We’ve already had a few eye fulls of RiRi’s bare alien balls and she pretty much humps on an invisible peen on stage, but now Hustler is coming around saying that they’ve got a tape of her yodeling like an auto-tuned goat gargling while getting it on with rapper J-Cole. J-Cole opened for RiRi on her Loud tour and apparently he’s opening something else on the tape. Sort of.
Even though one of RiRi’s friend is denying that her Bozo the Clown cooch is getting tingled on camera, Hustler swears on their anal beads that they have the “intimate tape” in their lube-smeared hands. They told Radar, “Hustler are in possession of the Rihanna and J-Cole tape. We have seen it and we do not know what we are going to do with it yet.”
Don’t know what to do with it? Did Hustler just get off of the bus from Dontknowfuckville, USA and is skipping through the front gates of the internet for the very first time? When life hands you a celebrity fuck tape, you either a) promise to give said celebrity a cut of the profits and let them clutch their rosary when you leak that shit or b) YOU LEAK THAT SHIT. It’s not that hard.
But it’s probably not worth taking your panties over since Hustler keeps calling it an “intimate tape.” To put it bluntly, intimate tape = no peen in chocha = no cum shot = no thank you. I’m not going to go back to the days where I stole my mom’s credit card number to buy some crap movie on the Spice Channel that didn’t have a cum shot in it. I’m too grown for no cum shot porns, thankyouverymuch.
Here’s RiRi in Portofino, Italy today. I’m sure the shit she’s doing to that ice cream with her mouth is more hardcore than this shit she does on this “intimate tape.”