Jada & Will’s Infinite Cycle Of Love Needs Some WD-40

August 24, 2011 / Posted by:

Seen here in the glory days before Scientology audits and strap-on exhaustion got the best of ’em, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith denied that they’re whippin’ divorce papers back and forth by letting out a statement that said their marriage is still “intact.” Will and Jada’s spokeswhore finally burped out that denial after spending the entire day saying that she does not comment on their personal lives. Blah. Blah. Blah. I kind of cocked (heh, cocked) my head to the side like my dog when I wave a bacon Post-It at his face over Will and Jada’s PR ho using the word “intact.” So clinical. It sounds like a word my free clinic nurse practitioner would use after poking at my no-no with a tree branch and beating it with palm leaves before trying to cleanse it with beekeeper smoke. He pulls off his gas mask, the priest pulls the holy water-marinated contact lenses out of his eyes and then he gives me a thumbs up when he says, “INTACT!”

That’s how the word intact should be used. But wait! TMZ says there’s a good reason for why they worded their denial like that. Dun dun dun.

A source tells TMZ that their publicist spent the entire day trying to carefully word the statement, because things are not exactly cotton candy queefs and rainbow cum shots. The source claims that Will and Jada’s marriage is in trouble and they’re trying to fix it. They’re all going away as a family soon and it could be one of those “Band-Aid” trips.

THANK XENU! The earth can stop shaking now. Will and Jada are not getting divorced. Will and Jada might sue InTouch. Will did not weep after walking in on Jada using Skeletor’s skinny ass as a human strap-on to fuck her side piece with (because I refuse to believe they would ever fuck). All is well in the world again. I’m glad that Will and Jada have decided that it’s best they stay together for the sake of their children’s careers.

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