Jennifer Garner Is Knocked Up

With all those pictures of Jennifer Garner wearing shirts straight from Walmart’s maternity line, hos figured that she’s either on that KFed diet or a baby is squatting in her uterus and paying for the placenta cutlet it’s eating with fetus barfs and belly kicks. It’s the latter. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck announced last night that she’ll soon birth out a third child whose tiny nostrils will have to get used to the musky scent of casino smoke, wig glue and cologne you buy from one of those gas station cologne machines to cover up fuck fumes that have marinated into your crotch. This is what the Associated Press had to say about the newest Garfleck.

A one-sentence statement released Monday says the actors are “thrilled” to have another baby on the way. The couple has two daughters, 5-year-old Violet and 2-year-old Seraphina Elizabeth Rose Affleck.

No other details were released.

Affleck and Garner, both 39, were married in 2005.

Those quotation marks hugging thrilled make it looks like that shit was delivered with a sarcastic eye roll and the kind of huff a ho lets out when it’s 4am, her newborn baby is killing ceiling paint with its holler, her husband is not in the building and his cell phone keeps going to voicemail. “I’m thrilled that you’re listening to this shit as you throw the nasty boxers you used to wipe your whore’s pussy juices off of your dick into the dumpster outside of Burger King,” is the message she’ll leave.

But yeah, my first thought when I read about this last night was that a blind item finally got its sight. My second thought was that Band-Aid Begonia Affleck does have a certain ring to it.