The 16-year-old horny garden lizard with a weave nest on top of her head and her 51-year-old husband with gay serial killer face brought their love to Australia’s The Morning Show today and it was a luded up, dragged down mess as usual. Courtney Stodden is the kind of mess my 11-year-old gay self wanted to be and Doug Hutchison is what my 51-year-old gay self will be if I do too many poppers and accidentally order a lady bride while in a meth haze.
I still don’t know how these are real human beings who breathe in oxygen like the rest of us. How are they not mutated pieces of porn bots, Komodo dragon labias and charred foreskin? I keep waiting for the Tales of the Crypt credits to come up after every single one of their interviews. Bitches are the circus that keeps on circus-ing!
While Courtney’s strap tried to get as far away from her “coked up zombie pushing out a hard shit in slow motion” facial expressions, the demure goddess flower said that they are working on a reality show and it will be like no other. Then Courtney and Doug let out a gutter river of quotes that will make your stomach lining and your tongue become one:
Doug: 51 + 16 = Love….in our world.
Courtney: Sexy love!
Courtney: Because of his face, his body, his sexy hair. Talk about seducing! He seduced me immediately! I knew off the bat that he was the one for me and that was it. When you find that one man you know you love, go for it!
Doug: Courtney embodies the classic iconic figures of the past. The Marilyn Monroes. The Sharon Tates. The Pamela Andersons.
Courtney: Old Hollywood. Very classy! The world should not forget beautiful woman like that. They have made a beautiful impact on the world.
AND Doug and Courtney’s dogs are named Tuna and Bizarre! TUNA AND BIZARRE! That’s pretty much what the room would smell like if they tried to fuck. I say “would” because Doug is gayer than a unicorn horn butt plug up a Care Bear’s ass. And those dogs. I’ve seen a dog make a FUCK MY LIFE face before, but I’ve never seen one like the one Bizarre is making. Bizarre is looking at Courtney the same way Ripley side-eyed that blind alien trying to eat her face. Looking like Riff Raff from Rocky Horror Show is no way for a dog to go through life.
Now, I leave you with a few of Courtney’s hilarious Twats presented without comment, because they speak for themselves:
Experiencing such a wet ‘n wild afternoon by turning on a water hose and squirting it all over my heated flesh! Mmm feeling rejuvenated! XOs
Had a blast last night @ the Santa Monica Pier. I loved performing dances on the light up poles. Who knew a ferris wheel could be so fun?!
While Doug prepares a delicious din-din, I arouse his appetite by shakin it on the kitchen counter to “Car Candy” … Just doin’ my job!
21 hours ago