While dressed like a deckhand on the Hipster of the Seas, Ryan Gosling sashayed straight into the middle of a NYC crosswalk fight and stopped one dude from breaking a canvas over another dude’s head like in the cartoons. If there’s such thing as a Human Whisperer, Ryan is it, because he can calmly soothe the hate in a raging bitch by promising to coddle them like a baby and tickle their eyeballs with his winks if they stop fighting. Ryan Gosling could make a shooting bullet stop, drop and grow ovaries just by licking his lips at it. Seriously, one of those dudes in that street fight is going to write a 1,200 word essay for The Morton Report about how Ryan Gosling saved his life.
We get it. Ryan is perfection wrapped in a maple leaf wrapped in more layers of perfection. Babies love Ryan! Apple-eating hipster dogs love Ryan! Everybody loves Ryan. Ryan is like Miracle-Gro for your ovaries. Blah. Blah. Blah. When Ryan does shit like this, thousands of legs open up and chochas shoot out a fountain of panty pudding that smells exactly like Quaker’s maple and brown sugar oatmeal. Then when those chochas can’t squirt anymore, they waddle on over to Rite-Aid to buy a tube of KY so they can continue salivate over how perfect Ryan is!
Who’s going to break into the KY headquarters and go through their files to prove that Ryan was produced by them to boost sales? Ryan is stealth marketing for KY! Or for Quaker Oats. Or for ovaries. Or for all of the above.