Things That Will Exist: PETA PORN

August 22, 2011 / Posted by:

Just when you thought PETA’s bowels had no more turnip shit craziness (the vegan equivalent of bat shit) to push out, they have squatted low, got deep and pushed out a giant ridiculous mound of terrifying WTFness. We already know that PETA really stands for Pimping Equalparts Tits and Ass since they use the message of “don’t be mean to the animals” to give us tofu titties and soy snatch, but now they’re taking things hardcore. PETA tells HuffPo that they are putting together a porn site and have already bought the domain Peta.xxx. For those of you kinky veganphiles out there who think that you will finally get a site full of cauliflower puree facials and dairy-free cream pies, you will be disappointed.

PETA says that there will be shots of simple fucking, but they’re also going to throw in shots of animals getting tortured. So yeah, you know how hos say that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten? Well, now you’ll get to see that kitten getting killed after you beat your meat. This brings a whole new meaning to choking the chicken.

This is how those crazies at PETA put it:

“We live in a 24 hour news cycle world and we learn the racy things we do are sometimes the most effective way that we can reach particular individuals. We really want to grab people’s attention, get them talking and to question the status quo and ultimately take action, because the best way we can help the greatest number of animals is simply by not eating them.

PETA’s sexy side displayed in galleries and videos will quickly give way to the sinister world of animal mistreatment uncovered by the group’s hidden camera investigations in a very different kind of graphic content.

There will be a lot of girl and boy next door content, but we haven’t ruled out celebrities on the site as well. People who are extraordinarily dedicated to helping animals and who are willing to do whatever it takes to draw attention to the suffering they endure.”

PETA gets a congratulatory taint slap for fully embracing what they’re really good at (aka whoring out tits), but do they know what they’re really doing besides busting out the most horrifying STUNT QUEEN move ever? I mean, shots of porn vegans making tofu butter with their crotches mixed with shots of a baby seal getting clubbed? While most of us will stain our keyboards with lube by fapping to ANY other porn site but PETA’s, the soon-to-be serial killers of the world have just found their new heaven. “I wish there was a site like that when I was growing up!” – Charles Manson

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