Joan Collins On Fat People, Boning Warren Beatty And “Chinamen”

August 20, 2011 / Posted by:

Disclaimer: The views, opinions or positions expressed by Joan Henrietta Collins are hers alone, and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions, or positions of even though they probably should since Joan Collins is a personal glamourssiah of’s, but I don’t want to get my nostrils torn out by my Japanese uncle’s pocket knife when I call him a “Chinaman” and I don’t want my cousin to karate chop my adam’s apple when I call her an “orca-sized oaf.

There’s a lot of dusty opinions under Joan Collins’ exquisite wig and she let some of them out when talking to the Daily Mail about her new memoirs. Joan’s head is usually filled with diamond dust and champagne bubbles, but it’s also filled with the image of a fat person trying to use the toilet on a plane and the image of Warren Beatty failing to make her oyster push out a pearl. Joan straightened her wig, raised her nose, pulled up her fan and let these out:

On ladies dressing like Kurt Cobain: “I don’t do grunge. Any woman over a certain age should not be grungy. You must make yourself look the way you would like the world to think about you.”

On how only Justin Bieber should wear a shift dress: “All women look awful in shift dresses, even Nicole Kidman. You’ve gotta be totally titless for them to work.”

On still using the term “chinaman” to describe Asians: “Apparently that is rude and I am supposed to say Asian. Gah. Since when? ‘Look. I know that people will blame me for pontificating about things that an actress shouldn’t, but I have something to say, something that I think a lot of people will agree with. Things that they might be frightened to say because it is politically incorrect to do so.”

On her calling fat people “orca-sized oafs from planet girth” means she hates them: ‘ “Loathe fat people? Did that come across? I certainly don’t admire them. They are digging their graves with their own teeth. I think to be terribly overweight is incredibly unhealthy. And how do they get into a tiny lavatory on a plane? I feel sorry for them, I do.”

On if it’s true that she and Warren Beatty wet humped each other 7 times a day: “Maybe he did, but I just lay there.”

On how she was date raped by her first husband Maxwell Reed: “He took me to a place called the Country Club in Hanover Square. We walked up lots of stairs to a small, candle-lit apartment where he asked me what I wanted to drink and gave me a rum and Coke. It was a Mickey Finn. I was drugged. You must think I am a moron. Oh, this is such a horrible story. He said: ‘I am going to have a bath,’ which I thought was very strange. He then said: ‘Take a look at this book, I think you will find it interesting.’ ‘Of course, it was full of disgusting, pornographic photographs. Now, any smart girl today would have got out of there and run down those stairs faster than a speeding bullet, but not little innocent, stupid Joan Collins, who stayed there and looked at the book. The next thing I knew, I was on the sofa and that was it. Then I was throwing up into a bucket.”

On politics today: “I feel very pessimistic about the world, I really do. Where are the leaders? Where is our Franklin Roosevelt, or our Winston Churchill? Maggie Thatcher and Ronald Reagan were fantastic, particularly Maggie. We haven’t got anyone like that.”

Joan has more natural diva bitchiness in her 24k kunt than JLo has in her entire orca-sized oaf body. When we’re all Joan’s age, may we all be offensive, fuck deficient and a straight up bitch in a champagne flute like her. Joan does not even give a Crystal Carrington fuck that saying all that shit just earned her a place on the long bus ride to purgatory where she’ll be surrounded by an Asian man, a fat bitch and Warren Beatty’s dick.

Our commenting rules are pretty simple: If you make any overly offensive comment (racist, bigoted, etc..) or go way off topic when not in an Open Post, your comments will be deleted and you will be banned. If you see an offensive or spammy comment you think should be deleted, flag it for the mods and they'll be forever grateful and give you their first born (although, you probably don't want that).

alt="drupal analytics" >