Anthony Bourdain of No Reservations seems like a kinky motherfucker who will handcuff you to his Waterworks kitchen faucet and smear your body with melted butter made from the milk of rare miniature cows imported from Holland, but butter will never melt for him again now that he has verbally thrown a ham at Paula Deen’s face. Anthony took a break from eating panda brain burgers and capybara nipple pasta to cross his legs, purse his lips and get Paltrow-like on the kids in the cafeteria who buy lunch every day.
Anthony had some real shit to say to TV Guide about Paula, Rachael Ray, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee and Guy Fieri (government name: Heat Miser):
“The worst, most dangerous person to America is clearly Paula Deen. She revels in unholy connections with evil corporations and she’s proud of the fact that her food is fucking bad for you . . . plus, her food sucks.” About Ray: “Does she even cook anymore? . . . To her credit, she never said she was good at it.” On Lee: “I hate her works on this planet, but she is not someone to be dismissed, clearly.” And Fieri: “I look at Guy and I just think, ‘Jesus, I’m glad that’s not me.’ ”
Anthony can keep spitting out hate balls of cuntness at Rachael Ray since she’s about as annoying as a dizzy dick who keeps hitting your taint instead of your sex hole. Sandra Lee can’t hear what Anthony is saying about her since she’s passed out head first in a punch bowl full of cooking wine, melted orange Popsicles and Fiesta Punch Shasta (aka chilled fizzy sangria). Guy Fieri, who cares about his ass. But Paula Deeeeeeeen?!!!!? Yes, a pacemaker shows up at my front door every time I see Paula make something like funnel cake grilled cheese, but she IS America. Paula’s hair is the shade of a bald eagle’s tear and she squirts out Ranch dressing (the official food of America)! Paula Deen is dangerous, alright. Dangerously delicious!
Paula pulled out her butter bat and hit back at the pretension shit Anthony launched out of his mouth. Paula told Page Six:
“Anthony Bourdain needs to get a life. You don’t have to like my food, or Rachael’s, Sandra’s and Guy’s. But it’s another thing to attack our character. I wake up every morning happy for where I am in life. It’s not all about the cooking, but the fact that I can contribute by using my influence to help people all over the country. In the last two years, my partners and I have fed more than 10 million hungry people by bringing meat to food banks.
My good friends Rachael, Guy and Sandra are the most generous charitable folks I know. They give so much of their time and money to help the food-deprived, sick children and abandoned animals. I have no idea what Anthony has done to contribute besides being irritable.”
You know, not everybody can afford to pay $58 for prime rib or $650 for a bottle of wine. My friends and I cook for regular families who worry about feeding their kids and paying the bills . . . It wasn’t that long ago that I was struggling to feed my family, too.”
I think what Paula really means is that her butter elves are currently trying to lure Anthony into her heart attack factory using Siberian tiger steaks. Don’t be surprised if on the next episode of Paula’s Home Cooking, you see her making double deep fried Bourdain butt cheeks with a candy apple butter sauce. “Cannibalism never tasted so good, y’all!”
Anthony really needs to stop being such a fancy queen. You know he’d down low nibble on Paula’s butter crumble muffin if she served one up to him.