The (Burger) King Is Dead

August 19, 2011 / Posted by:

Jessica Simpson hasn’t been this sad since McDonald’s limited her to only 10 Dollar Menu items a day!

Burger King is dethroning their creepy royal mascot after he got caught tossing the shredded carrots with his peen at Carl Jr.’s salad bar. No, the Burger King got dropped because he was caught making secret Whopper sauce while peeping through a peep hole in the ladies bathroom. No, no, bitch really got dropped, because Burger King is trying to get all of us to hail guacamole instead. Really. Burger King wants to get healthy starting with the California Whopper (aka a Whopper with guacamole). Their plan is to try to win the “mom crowd.” They had this to say about the death of the king to USA Today:

“There was a time when price value was king. Now, healthy choice and quality drive the category.”

If I wanted some healthy stuff, I’d stick my tongue up the Jolly Green Giant’s ass. People don’t go to Burger King, because they want to eat healthy. They got to Burger King, because they’re tanked and/or stoned and need some grease patties down their froats. Guacamole! Please. More like Cacamole. Burger King’s guacamole is going to be brown, watery and smelling like dirty ass in August. No thanks.

And I’d stay away from porn theaters for a while if I were you. The perverted, creepy Burger King will be filling that time in his hands with his own peen when he faps in the back of a porn theater near you. You’ve been warned.

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