Our GOOP And Savior

August 18, 2011 / Posted by:

With the 10th anniversary of 9/11 coming up, we’re going to hear a million “How I Missed Death On 9/11” stories, but this one is so special that it will be put into history iPads for our great grandchildren to read about when they ask the question, “How did Fishsticks Paltrow become a saint?”

Lara Lundstrom tells The Morton Report that on the morning of September 11, 2001, a real-life Sliding Doors moment co-starring future saint Fishsticks Paltrow caused her to miss her subway train by 10 seconds, which then caused her to show up late to her job at the Twin Towers. You know where this is going. I’m ICANT-ing from every part of my body, so I’ll let The Morton Report take it from here:

“It was one of those mornings that felt good, you had a little skip in your step. What the heck – I always cut across 7th Avenue. Then all of the sudden a silver Mercedes SUV came barreling down towards me.

“I stopped and they screeched to a halt. Then it developed in to one of those classic who-goes-first situations. It got ridiculous. Then I made eye contact with the Mercedes driver. OMG it was Gwyneth Paltrow.

“I knew she lived down the street, so it made sense. She waved me across, I crossed and she continued on her way. At least if I was late for work I had a story to tell.”

She raced to the subway, hurtled down the stairs to the platform only to watch the doors of the 1/9 slam shut.

She had no idea she had just experienced her own real life Sliding Doors moment, the movie starring Paltrow about a chance romantic encounter that depended on whether or not she caught a subway train.

“At that time I was annoyed at everything that had made me late that day, including Gwyneth Paltrow,” Lara recalls.

Right when Lara climbed up the stairs from the subway to the concourse of her office building, the first plane hit and she ran back down. I’m still ICANT-ing by the way…

Since that terrible day, Lara has lived with two dreams: one recurrent nightmare where she perishes in the towers, the other where she thanks Gwyneth Paltrow for saving her life. It was her true-life Sliding Doors moment, an encounter that saved her life

“If I had made that train I would have been at my desk on the 77th floor of 2 World Trade center,” says Lara. She has now written that letter, reminding the Oscar-winning actress of their chance meeting on the street and the dramatic impact on her life.

So this is what the Insane Clown Posse was talking about. It truly is a miracle. If Rosemary never switched her baby with Blythe Danner’s in the nursery, Fishy never would’ve been raised with a silver spoon up her ass and then she never would’ve been rich enough to drive a silver Mercedes SUV through Manhattan and then she never would’ve saved Lara’s life.

The story doesn’t mention it, but there’s a good reason for why Fishy was driving herself like a common peon that day. Fishy was forced to fire her chauffeur after he had the nerve to show up wearing polyester pants from Penney’s when he knew very well that she’s allergic to the sight and scent of them. So if you want to get technical, the sainthood should really go to polyester (or Rosemary), but we’ll let that one slide.

Fishy’s publicist says that she’s “deeply moved” by the story. He means that figuratively, of course, since Fishy can’t physically move at the moment since this story put another 50 hundred tons on her ego.

GOOP: Never forget.

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