Abercrombie & Fitch put out a statement last night about how they’re really concerned that their pristine image as purveyors of class has been dirtied up by the sight of a tanning bed-roasted herpes tortoise in their clothes. A&F wants to pay The Situation to unplace their product from his body, because they think it’s bad for business. Yup, their demographic wearing their clothes on TV is what they think is really ruining their reputation. Not padded bikini tops for prostitots-in-training. Not racist t-shirts. But The Situation wearing their shit. The Situation and A&F belong together like a suppository belongs in a constipated bitch’s ass, but since the best part of waking up is a LOL in your cup, let’s humor them by reading their STUNT QUEEN statement:
We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino’s association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image. We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans. We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino and the producers of MTV’s The Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand. We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response.
Have you ever been inside of an Abercrombie? It’s a torture chamber for all the senses. You can’t see shit, because it’s so dark. You can’t hear shit, because the loud ass music is sodomizing your ear holes. You can’t breathe in pure oxygen, because it’s like a cologne gas chamber in there. It’s basically like being stuck in a douchebag’s colon after he gave himself an A&F cologne enema. It’s to distract you from seeing the numbers on the price tags. It’s an awful hell cave and the next Hostel movie should take place there.
If you actually pushed the dimmer switch to the top, you’d see that most of the whores shopping there look exactly like The Situation. A&F knows this, so this is obviously just a STUNTUATION. Well played, I guess.
And no A&F post is complete without a portrait of their naturally beautiful CEO Mike Jeffries:
Oh, Mike, you’re as creative with publicity stunts as you are with fucking up your face.