On the right is a then 42-year-old Pamela Anderson reliving her Baywatch glory days at a fashion show in 2009, and on the left is 16-year-old porn iguana Courtney Stodden channeling Pamela Anderson in a new photo shoot that took place on the docks using a disposable camera. And if you have a vagina, down below is your chocha cringing at the sight of one of its own getting gagged with a string of red polyester.
It goes without blogging, but Pamela Anderson wins this round and she’ll also win again in 30 years when she’s wearing the same coochie-choking bathing suit while she drags her saggy labia across the hallway floor of the retirement home for old whores. Pamela might be as rode hard as a mudflap girl on a semi-truck, but she is the petal on a freshly bloomed spring peony compared to Courtney. If you watched a lizard with no birth hole try to lay an egg through its mouth, it still wouldn’t look like it was trying as hard as Courtney is in this photo shoot.
Speaking of trying hard, HuffPo has pointed me to the priceless Twatter House of Courtney Stodden. It’s like reading an uncomfortable and illegal erotic novel that was inspired by the online chats from To Catch A Predator:
I love these steamy mornings that allow you to erotically roll out of bed in nothing but your cheeky string bikini. Mmm, how electrifying!
Just returned from a lovely Sunday morning service @ church today. Kickin back at home now while sporting a HOT mini-retro-jumper! CLASSIC!
Stepped my paws into a sexy wet cat-suit; Prowling mysteriously around the house while lickin’ my lips searchin’ for some nip! (Ed. note: RACIST!) MEEEOWWW!
A soft sensation sweetly kisses my body as I prepare for a sexy hot photo shoot this afternoon. What a breathtaking morning it has been!
Slowly slipping under these sensuous silk covers as I lie down in bed & entertain myself w/the classic movie “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”. XOs
I really should hit Courtney and Doug Hutchison (who probably is the one who wrote those Tweets) with a copyright infringement lawsuit, because this is pretty much the same awkward, opposite of sexy shit I used to write when I worked as a typist for web cam girls back in the day. No wonder they fired my ass.