Taylor Momsen Has Retired From Acting

August 16, 2011 / Posted by:

The acting world is still suffering from shortness of breath brought on by Amanda Bynes pressing pause on her acting career for a second, and now it will completely have to deep throat a 10-inch long asthma inhaler over award-winning thespian (by “award-winning” I mean bitch hasn’t won shit) Taylor Momsen hanging up her “acting” skills forever. Cut to the sad image of Meryl Streep passing a torch to an empty space, because Taylor Momsen isn’t there to grab it.

The post-seizure dumpster panda tells Elle Magazine that she’s quit acting, quit Gossip Girl and will devote all her time to duct taping her nipples in the name of rock.

ELLE: And any acting projects planned?
TM: I quit acting, actually. I quit Gossip Girl and now tour and am in a band and that’s pretty much all I want to do. Hopefully I’ll be able to only do that for the rest of my life.

Bitch, stop. You know Gossip Girl quit you, because they were sick of wasting money on paying hos to scrape off the gorilla anus rings from around your eyes before getting you into make-up. But seriously, Taylor is making the right decision. When you’re acting skills make Blake Lively look like an actual human being that processes actual emotions in her working brain, it’s best to go out on top.

And Gossip Girl has announced that they won’t kill off the character of Jenny. They’re simply going to replace Taylor with a malnourished raccoon in a teased Heidi wig. Whenever they need Jenny to talk, they’ll just give the raccoon a cracker to nibble on while a crack baby provides her voice by slurring out coos in the corner. I’m sure the raccoon and the crack baby will both win an Emmy.

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