We’re Now Living In A World Where Lizzie McGuire Is Knocked Up

August 14, 2011 / Posted by:

In case you haven’t heard, Lizzie McGuire is no longer a 14-year-old high school student who still thinks that heavy petting is some shit you do to goats at the zoo. Lizzie McGuire, got her period, grew up, gave balcony head, got married and now has a womb full of baby. 23-year-old Hilary Duff announced on her website today she’s made a baby with her 30-year-old hockey playing husband of one year Mike Comrie.

“Hello everyone! This weekend, Mike and I are celebrating our 1 year anniversary! In memory of the special day, we decided to post some of our favorite pictures from our wedding! I can’t believe it has already been a year, time really flies when you’re having fun! We also want to share the exciting news that BABY MAKES THREE!!! We are extremely happy and ready to start this new chapter of our lives. Thanks to everyone for the continued love and support throughout the years!”

For Hilary’s sake, I hope that baby is born with her original teeth and her head. If not, bitch is going to scream her Veneers off from birthing out a dinosaur egg head with tiny arms and legs. It’s going to take a few hours just for the baby’s surfboard head to clear her pussy. As soon her Herman Munster baby crowns, the doctors and nurses can play a few games of traveling Mahjong on its forehead while waiting for its eyes to show up. Hilary will have to support her baby’s head with a catcher’s mitt during feeding. Bitch better invest in a lifting bracelet for her wrists.

And yup, you can go ahead and file this news under “Shit that is pushing me towards the Metamucil phase of my life.”

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