We're Now Living In A World Where Lizzie McGuire Is Knocked Up
In case you haven't heard, Lizzie McGuire is no longer a 14-year-old high school student who still thinks that heavy petting is some shit you do to goats at the zoo. Lizzie McGuire, got her period, grew up, gave balcony head, got married and now has a womb full of baby. 23-year-old Hilary Duff announced on her website today she's made a baby with her 30-year-old hockey playing husband of one year Mike Comrie.
“Hello everyone! This weekend, Mike and I are celebrating our 1 year anniversary! In memory of the special day, we decided to post some of our favorite pictures from our wedding! I can’t believe it has already been a year, time really flies when you’re having fun! We also want to share the exciting news that BABY MAKES THREE!!! We are extremely happy and ready to start this new chapter of our lives. Thanks to everyone for the continued love and support throughout the years!”
For Hilary's sake, I hope that baby is born with her original teeth and her head. If not, bitch is going to scream her Veneers off from birthing out a dinosaur egg head with tiny arms and legs. It's going to take a few hours just for the baby's surfboard head to clear her pussy. As soon her Herman Munster baby crowns, the doctors and nurses can play a few games of traveling Mahjong on its forehead while waiting for its eyes to show up. Hilary will have to support her baby's head with a catcher's mitt during feeding. Bitch better invest in a lifting bracelet for her wrists.
And yup, you can go ahead and file this news under "Shit that is pushing me towards the Metamucil phase of my life."
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That's not a hockey player. He looks like one of those brain-damaged guys that hangs around the public library all day either spacing out, or asking to look at "pitcher books" or books about the three stooges. He is considerably better-dressed.
She's only 23 and yet I feel like I've been subjected to her for 30 years. O_o
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Who is that schlub standing next to her?
oh wow. you mean my childhood innocence is over?! (i'm 25). thanks a lot lizzie. thanks a lot.
www.hangryhippo.com: Where hunger, anger, media consumption, and satire meet for a snack
Submitted by Hekki on Mon, 08/15/2011 - 7:11am.
Submitted by Sams Mom: "Seriously. This is Trig Palin in 25 years."
I died laughing and then felt shame.
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Personally , and it is just me,I find nothing funny about that.
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Submitted by Jintess on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 2:40pm.
You're right, when even these people boo you, it's time to figure out how strong the shower rod is and how durable your shoe l
Submitted by Whamo on Mon, 08/15/2011 - 6:33am.
If someone this fugly can marry a woman that pretty then I guess my wife is going to be a supermodel
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Only if you have $$$
He is fugly, but he comes from $$$$.
Get that money, Hilary.
Submitted by Sams Mom: "Seriously. This is Trig Palin in 25 years."
I died laughing and then felt shame.
"Cada quien habla de como le va en la feria" An old mexican saying
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In bullshitanese, "no comment" means "fuck yes." Michael K
If someone this fugly can marry a woman that pretty then I guess my wife is going to be a supermodel.
He is so fug. Thought she was much older than 23.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
jeepers...hilary's husband's head...
that's all i've got...
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Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent...
Looks like his bum hip didn't stop him from impregnating the Mrs.
Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 8:05pm.
I'm sorry but society has changed so much that early 20s is just far too young to marry and raise a family.
Maybe it wasn't so in prehistoric times - like the 70s and earlier - but it is so for now. There was once a time when mid-teens were expected to marry and breed; it's all dictated by societal change. IMO, in this day and age, nobody under the age of 25 has any business getting married, because by the time you hit 30 it'll be over.
Tbh the real reason marriage is dated and unpopular these days is really the drop in religion. Marriage really was just a social conform that stopped people fucking around, now in our postmodern world nobody gives a shit.
And whoever mentioned Cher Lloyd, DIAF.
He looks like he should be riding his city bike with a helmet on, and trust you me, we don't normally do helmets in The Netherlands.
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"It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err."
Mahatma Gandhi
Submitted by Bree on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 10:22pm.
...At least this kid will be taken care of even if the marriage ends, parents are rolling in the dough!
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And hay.
Neurotic, thank you so much!
@Hotmami, I agree. I just feel like so many people that throw that out there are cynical because it didn't work out for them. Yeah, statistics aren't in favor of it actually working out, but that doesn't mean that it can't and it won't for some people. Plus when it doesn't, sometimes you are better off for it. My dad and my mom got married at 18, divorced 15 years later, and my dad is a stronger person after what he went through and better off from it.
Slightly off topic, but also related:
My sister is the biggest pain in the ass when it comes to this stuff. She's been with her man for 8 years. He lived with his mother in her basement until this year (he's 29, don't even get me started). My sister has given me this speech probably 100 times:
"Well, he and I don't really feel the need to get married. We don't need a piece of paper to show that we love each other. I mean, we've been together for 8 years..."
Yeah and in those 8 years, bitch hasn't even bought her a birthday card. I keep trying to tell her that it's fine and dandy, I don't care, don't get married it's none of my business. But every time the wedding comes up or wedding plans or I get a"congratulations" on the engagement, she brings out the snark and the speech. I know she really cares or she wouldn't be so preachy. I think she's trying to convince herself because he doesn't want to commit.
I just say to each his own, do whatever makes you happy. I try to be happy for folks who are having a baby or getting married even if I think it'll fail down the road because who knows?
At least this kid will be taken care of even if the marriage ends, parents are rolling in the dough!
Submitted by Hotmami on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 9:38pm.
No one has any business saying what other people should do with THEIR lives.
That would kill DL, wouldn't it? :)
"The curvy blonde adjusted her ample assets as they poured out of a neon green bikini top, yesterday on a beach in St Barts, the South of France, but struggled to contain them." (DM)
A purple purse! It must be so hard to plan around that.
Just reading the comments, I'd like to say that no one has any business saying what other people should do with THEIR lives. STFU and live your own lives. So what if someone under 25 has a family? I was a mom at the same age as Hilary, and I was able to deal just fine, thankyouverymuch. The marriage didn't work out, but it hasn't stopped me from taking of my responsibilities as a mother. So sick of people thinking it's ok to judget others' life choices. *sigh*
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I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Well, I felt something die,
Cause I knew that
That was the last time,
The last time
-Adele
Agree, Bree. It all depends and I want to wish you all the best in your marriage.
As I wish all the best to anyone who's going down the road to become a parent or husband/wife. That doesn't mean I don't pass up on a chance to raise the eyebrow when I see some other famous, young actress, who let's face it, is not so good getting pregnant.
Not all are motivated by career ambitions when it comes to these things, but shit, many are, let's face it, even that dude who needs a wife to seal deals and shit too. Maybe Duff "needed" a baby, because there's still a bunch of fools who go "AAAWW" when they learn some famous ho got a case of the babies.
And OMG, Hysteria, your post just killed me, because I'm going to hell for admitting that the dude's look is special, maybe too special.
I think that maybe that's why they're breeding. Theory says two fugs= one gorgeous.
Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 8:05pm.
I think it really depends on the people and where they are at in their lives as far as personal development, personal goals, life goals, career goals, etc. I don't think many people in their early 20s are ready to settle down, but some are. I don't preach to everyone that they should get married, but by that same token it just irks me when people completely dismiss marriage for anyone and everyone. Different strokes for different folks.
Submitted by BishPlease on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 8:39pm.
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Plus Hillary's already had plenty of plastic surgery herself - her breasts aren't the ones she was born with, plus don't get me started on those teeth.
she's adorable, he's fug.
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The 'good old days' weren't always good, and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems....
-Billy Joel "Keeping The Faith"
Now, seriously. Is that the best she could do for a husband? That's a double-10 head there.
Not that looks are the most important thing. But it's the standard Hollyweird law. In-breed the looks and career channels.
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Submitted by Neurotic on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 7:01pm.
It's annoying that there's still all this commotion over a woman being pregnant.
Is there any commotion when a man becomes an expectant father? No, right? Because it doesn't matter.
Woman's worth is still judged by whether or not they have children. That is the problem.
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Notarize and fucking co-sign on that. One of the most insightful comments I've read in a looooong time.
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I wonder if she'd have anything to do with that guy if he was a shoe salesman at Sears? Which is what he looks like.
Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 8:05pm.
I agree with you overall.
I do think it's more of a mistake to become a parent when not prepared than to get married when not ready to commit, because, well, shit, there's divorce for marriages that don't work, but a child is forever.
*Positions Duff and ugly husband over trap door and presses "Irrelevant" button*
Hilary has been looking like a mom since she was 15 and 3/4, so...I shouldn't be shocked. And yet.
Hilary snarked about Faye Dunaway's plastic surgery after Faye noted that when folks were talking about remaking "Bonnie and Clyde" with Hilary, they should've reconsidered casting with an actual actress. So Hilary must think she'll be in her 20s forever. What'll happen to that sparkplug body after giving birth - certainly by c-section at around 7.5 months along - will shock her. It's gonna get awesome.
Submitted by boomsy on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 7:46pm.
Submitted by angel_i on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 6:46pm.
Um, did she borrow the tune from 'Clementine' for the chorus? Weird song...lol.
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O THAT's what it is! I was trying to place it! But that's it right there. IKR, that whole vid is pretty freaking funny. But she's good. What a damn waste. What else is new?
♥ Threadkilla!
Lean Like a Chola, Celebrity Stylez: http://youtu.be/0ZwdYeGSVS0
Hilary Dillary Dock
She could have just sucked cock!
Congrats...I guess!
I'm sorry but society has changed so much that early 20s is just far too young to marry and raise a family.
Maybe it wasn't so in prehistoric times - like the 70s and earlier - but it is so for now. There was once a time when mid-teens were expected to marry and breed; it's all dictated by societal change. IMO, in this day and age, nobody under the age of 25 has any business getting married, because by the time you hit 30 it'll be over.
(I think marriage on the whole is beyond stupid but I'll save that for a future rant)
She's up the duff? (<<-- stolen joke)
"The curvy blonde adjusted her ample assets as they poured out of a neon green bikini top, yesterday on a beach in St Barts, the South of France, but struggled to contain them." (DM)
He looks like the schizo from the movie "Identity"
I'm 23 years old and engaged but I'll be damned if I'm having a baby within the first year of marriage. I want to enjoy the damn thing first!
Submitted by angel_i on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 6:46pm.
Um, did she borrow the tune from 'Clementine' for the chorus? Weird song...lol.
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Remember, the early bird may catch the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese...
"Submitted by Fucking_Classy on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 7:28pm.
I co-sign. Let's just hope, for the sake of her kid, that she's having him/her because she really WANTS to, and not because she's SUPPOSED to."
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I'm not going to give them that much credit. It probably happened because, like everyone else in Hollywood, they were too stupid/lazy to use birth control.
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"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done." -Lucille Ball-sy
The only reason I think this is good news is because I remember the days when it was Hilary Duff Vs Lindsay Lohan. And Lindsay was kind of winning. Look whos winning now, crack head. At least Hilary will never have to get her lunch from the staten island dump.
Fucking_Classy, you're indeed a class act.
(Even though you think Lisa Bonet is pretty! Joke! Lisa Bonet> Hayden Pantyeatter and other "starlets" I am supposed to find pretty by a long mile.)
Look, I am happy for someone who wants children and nothing more than being the best parent they can be to be expecting.
With Duff and all the actresses in the past 10 years though, it seems as if pregnancy is being used to whatever other means these women are searching for to validate their failed careers.
Very few exceptions, like Cate Blanchett come to mind when I try to conjure up images of women in films, who are good to excellent actresses, being mothers AND doing an amazing job at both things, because it's fucking hard to do both.
Let's say Duff and the likes of her are more than that and are not using motherhood as a means to an end, which is never good. Bitches having children to keep their men, or to get a job/money, or whatever really are dreadful people, because you don't bring people in this world to fulfill your own fucking aspirations.
(Or rather, that's not what becoming a mother should be about.)
Submitted by Neurotic on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 7:01pm.
Submitted by dementa on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 6:39pm.
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You're angry because you misread.
Don't care that women want children.
It's annoying that there's still all this commotion over a woman being pregnant.
Is there any commotion when a man becomes an expectant father? No, right? Because it doesn't matter.
Woman's worth is still judged by whether or not they have children. That is the problem.
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I co-sign. Let's just hope, for the sake of her kid, that she's having him/her because she really WANTS to, and not because she's SUPPOSED to.
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"Most people are average, neither black nor white. They're gray. A dirty shade of gray." - Dmitri Shostakovich
Holy crap he looks... special.
Yeah I agree with those who said she did this for her career. And that the madness over dlist celebrity pregnancies is ridiculous. 23 years old? Yeah that marriage with the caveman is going to last forever. Not.
I think she is only having a baby to help her career. Remember Nicole Richie? Her life was going down the gutter before she had a baby. I think Hilary just wants to be taken more seriously as an actress. And if the baby doesn't help her career then she can always use the excuse that she wanted to be a stay at home mom.
A girl I went to high school with posted on her facebook page today that she is pregnant and now Hilary Duff... and yet I couldn't care less if I tried.
Submitted by dementa on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 6:39pm.
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You're angry because you misread.
Don't care that women want children.
It's annoying that there's still all this commotion over a woman being pregnant.
Is there any commotion when a man becomes an expectant father? No, right? Because it doesn't matter.
Woman's worth is still judged by whether or not they have children. That is the problem.
Submitted by yuga on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 5:08pm
"MK even made a joke about hubby's head and her teeth..."
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Oh good lord! Will you look at that skull of his. And Hilary has always been channeling SJP. Just the thought of that spawn.
OH MY GOD..."Horsehead bookends"
Submitted by Fucking_Classy on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 6:37pm.
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Y thank u! I was told that Mexicans were taking over the Earth so I wanted to be prepared. Strangely enuff, she's from the UK - a newer ho on the stroll from X-Factor - Cher Lloyd:
http://youtu.be/bjPx40r5WaA
She's silly as hell but I kind like her achally.
http://youtu.be/sdbyG2MrBHk
I think last has ads but she sings faster.
♥ Threadkilla!
Lean Like a Chola, Celebrity Stylez: http://youtu.be/0ZwdYeGSVS0
I hope hubs isn't trying to look straight ahead.
Submitted by Stan Hooper on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 5:31pm.
he looks like a chucky Seth Macfarlane.
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I'm in love with Seth. He's all sort of my crush
Hush hush HUSH you
Stewie poops more attractive things than this guy
Submitted by angel_i on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 5:59pm.
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Lemme just say that the hot Cholita beauty with Divine's (not Divine Brown, mind you, Pink Flamingos' Divine!) eyebrows and badass punchin' rings in your avatar is... mesmerizing.
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"Most people are average, neither black nor white. They're gray. A dirty shade of gray." - Dmitri Shostakovich
Submitted by Neurotic on Sun, 08/14/2011 - 5:26pm.
Yeah, its so BACKWARD that women are still having babies! I mean, how ANNOYING that women aren't having their uteruses removed at birth so they won't ever have a kid. Clearly they are enslaved! The only way to make your own decisions is to never have kids even if you want them!
[/sarcasm]
As for Duff being up the duff, eh, she's probably the most settled and sane of the Disney starlets. I mean, look at Miley and Lindsay, and then look at Hilary. So no hate for her and her potato-headed hubby.
Also, it's not that big a deal that she's pregnant. She's been married for over a year, so it's not like she got knocked up and married him fast.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.