The other week, I was getting a G-rated facial (Although, that shit is really rated NC-17 since it’s a horror show) for the first time and as I ate my cries I told myself that this is what hos must go through at the Guantanamo Bay spa. Seriously, they soothe you with clouds of lavender mist and as your soul lays down in a Calgon bath, homegirl blinds you with a wet towel and then brutally murders your face with her fingers without saying a word. TRICKERY! It really felt like she was pulling premature pus babies out of my face and the evil inside her grew stronger as I slowly started to die inside.
Whenever I lifted my hand to see if my face skin was still there, she’d push it down and continue to extract pieces of my charred soul through my pores. And I was paying actual money for this. I was paying for someone to show me what it feels like when tiny demons in dagger shoes Riverdance on top of my face. It was like a Ke$ha song for my face. It was one of those experiences that while it was happening I told myself that I was going to come out a stronger person because of it (aka Oprah bullshit). Only I came out with a face that matched my nalgas: bruised, beaten, sad, swollen and red.
Afterward, I told my friend on IM about the WORST AND MOST TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE and her response was, “Has a baby head ever exploded out of your pussy? No? Then shut the fuck up.” Good point. Which leads me to the news that Tina Fey birthed out her second baby friend this week! The details from People:
Tina Fey, already mom to 5-year-old Alice, has introduced a new addition to the family.
The 30 Rock star welcomed a healthy baby girl, Penelope Athena Richmond, on Wednesday with her composer husband Jeffrey Richmond, 50, her rep tells PEOPLE.
If you’re going to go Greek, you’re going to go with Penelope Athena! Well, you’d probably go with Hopa Fage Yogurt first, and then you’d go with Penelope Athena. Congratulations to Tina, Jeffrey, Alice and the newest baby member of the 30 Rock writing staff.
(Image via NBC)