Crazy Ass Paula Abdul Is A Wonderful Boss

August 12, 2011 / Posted by:

Anybody who has seen Paula Abdul’s masterpiece of a trainwreck reality show knows that she’s a sane and level-headed employer who treats all of her assistants with the utmost respect and would never make unreasonable demands. Since it’s Opposite Day, what I really mean by that is Paula is Forever Your Crazy Bitch and working for her is probably not unlike babysitting a psychotic toddler who has never been spanked and will only go into its calm submissive state if you stick a pacifier made of Vicodin in its mouth. I bet if you walked into any padded room and asked who has worked for Paula Abdul, the one patient in there would stop chewing on a pillow tile to raise her hand a dozen times (one for each personality that was created to deal with Paula’s crazy ass).

UsWeekly says that Skat Kat’s former beard (Skat Kat, totally gay, totally loved the Q-Tip in his no-no) gives all of her assistants this list of demands they must follow or she’ll feed them to Simon Cowell’s tits.

1. Each assistant must carry and use a tape recorder at all times “because she doesn’t trust her own conversations,” the source says.

2. “She also makes them check the TiVo for any mention of her and put it on a DVD.”

3. Abdul team members should also prepare to go through her email — and respond to family and friends as the star herself.

4. The “Forever Your Girl” singer also needed constant reminders that she is a “warrior, survivor and gift,” adds the insider.

Okay, these aren’t that weird. The second one isn’t weird at all. The third one is easy since her assistant only has to respond with “please send percocets now” and her family knows she’s doing fine. The first one makes sense, because Paula never knows which voice in her head controlled her mouth that day. Sybil wishes she would’ve thought of that! The fourth one is true in every way. Paula is a gift (to the pharmaceutical industry, The Soup and me), is a survivor (going through an 8-hour period with just one syringe of liquid morphine counts as surviving) and she’s definitely a warrior! Don’t you remember the battle of the Bratz (which she lost) or her never-ending battle against sanity (which she wins every time). Paula IS a warrior, survivor and a gift!

With all that being said, I’d rather get a job as that dog’s full-time anal gland pincher than work for Paula’s ass.

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