Jack Wagner (on the right, I think) will be singing ALLL AAAAAAAAAH NEEEEED to Heather Lockler at the wedding altar really soon, because the two told People that they are getting married and will pay Michael Mancini $1 million to help them flee the country since she’s wanted by the police for killing her almost rapist in high school. I’m not sure if the wedding will happen before or after Eve tries to turn them into gravel meat with her car. You know, I don’t know my own blood type, but I know almost every damn Melrose Place plot line. Shit, I hope Eve and Sexi Lexi wrestle on top of a mound of Peter’s ashes at some point during the wedding.
This will be Heather’s third time wearing a ball and chain in the form of a wedding ring. It will be Jack’s second.
Heather Locklear has looked like she’s been pregnant in the cheeks with twins for a long time, but when did Jack Wagner no longer look like Jack Wagner? Did Heather’s cheeks eat his eyelids? Now he sort of looks like Derek Hough’s old lesbian auntie. Will somebody please tell Heather Locklear’s cheeks to spit out Jack Wagner’s eyelids so he can go back to looking like Jack Wagner.