When Elle Decor asks the high cuntess of pretension Fishsticks Paltrow about some of the things she can’t live without, you know it’s going to be good. Fishy finally gets to GOOP to a magazine that GOOPS her same language. It’s like two ivory-gilded assholes gently rubbing together to make grandiose music that the ear drums of the poors can’t hear.
Fishy basically lets us know that when the apocalypse begins next year, her shanty shack will have a galvanized bathing tub on its bunk and lanterns made of her servants’ skin will line the shelf that holds all of her religious books (note: you know the only thing on that religion shelf is an autographed copy of her own cookbook).
Put on your YUBZ retro eyeglasses so you don’t get GOOPiation and read all about the things Fishy cannot live without:
1. De Gournay Hand-Painted Wallpaper
I indulged with one wall in my London living room covered in a gorgeous pattern.
2. Seasonal Flowers
I like single-variety arrangements—peonies, hydrangeas, and white lilies—casually arranged.
3. Darren Almond’s Photography
His arresting, large-scale artwork brings a sense of majesty to a room.
4. Charles Edwards Star Lanterns
I hung three of these at different levels in the stair hall so that we could pass them on our way up to bed at night.
5. Antonio Lupi Baia Tub
It’s in the middle of my bedroom—perfect for a relaxing wind-down and for bathing the kids.
6. Juxtaposed: Religion Shelf
Built-in slots hold holy books—including the Qur’an, Bible, and Tao Te Ching—all at the same level (which is how I like to think about religion).
7. Clothbound Penguin Classics
These gorgeous editions make the books so tempting to pick up, again and again. The ultimate cure for sore muscles.
8. YUBZ Retro Handset
A handset cuts down on cellphone radiation. I use this one for my BlackBerry calls.
I know you can’t wait to use the “brings a sense of majesty to a room” line when you’re showing your guests the Thomas Kinkade blanket hanging on the wall over your Jennifer Convertible.
You know, I bet the bathtub in the bedroom was Chris Martin’s idea. When Fishy’s in bed, creaming at the gills about indulging in wallpaper, the tub in the bedroom makes it convenient for him to dunk his fat head into until the bubbly image of death fills his eyes.
But Fishy’s tub in the bedroom ain’t shit. Bitch needs to get a tub in the middle of her kitchen. You haven’t lived until you’ve washed your taint with one hand while rotating your Hungry Man meal in the microwave with the other. That’s true practical luxuriousness!