Gerard Butler’s Abs Are A Mystery To Me

August 10, 2011 / Posted by:

Maybe it’s because my own “abs” look like the bloated ass of a pig with an anorexic anus and the only other time I see dude abs is on celebwhores who obviously implanted plastic biscuits into their stomachs, but Gerard Butler’s torso is making me bust out a Jessica Fletcher face. Right before a charity football match in Glasgow the other day, Greasy Gerry posed with his tongue and abs out in the locker room while Henrik Larsson wondered why his stomach looks like two sideways butts fading into each other. I see it too, Henrik, I see it too.

Gerry used to be as ripped as one of Kellan Lutz’s nipples, and then he gained a little chunk, and now it looks like he’s about step 2 into Christian Bale’s DIY Machinist Diet. Gerry’s abs went from a six-pack to a keg and now they look like a six-pack that has been drained and crushed. This tells me that once you get a six-pack, you cannot stop doing crunches EVER or your torso will turn into the face of a skinny blob fish.

So thanks for that, Gerry. Now I don’t feel guilty about ignoring that ab crunch machine when I’m going to the elliptical at the gym. YES! Stop the everything, I’ve actually been doing exercise shit for about 10 minutes every two weeks. But only because I practically need an asthma inhaler after I move my mouse too fast. And because being on the elliptical makes me feel like I’m climbing up a never-ending flight of stairs with a big black dildo in each hand.

And for the record, I still would (Gerry AND the big black dildos on the elliptical).

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