The Curious Case Of Ali Lohan Is A Model Now

Because Lindsay Lohan's days as the Lohan family's main cokewinner are long gone, White Oprah is getting desperate to find a ho to pay her bar tab so she doesn't have to try to overcome her allergic reaction to actually working a real job. That's where 17-year-old Ali Lohan comes in. Before White Oprah completely sells Ali Lohan to a gerontophile for a bag of Oxies and some drink tickets, she's going to try to make some cash off of her in the modeling world. White Oprah somehow managed to score Ali a multi-year modeling contract with NEXT Modeling Management. Benjamina Button's portrait will hang alongside pictures of Miranda Kerr and Molly Simms on NEXT's wall of models.

The only reasonable explanation for this is that White Oprah threatened to visit NEXT's office every single day and flash her freckled chest testicles at their front door security camera until they signed Ali. The press release NEXT burped out confirms this. White Oprah stood over them with her deep fried talons grabbing the bottom of her shirt, threatening to show them the double faces of hell if they didn't make the press release sound as delusional as possible.

If you ever want to be committed immediately without a psychiatric evaluation, just read the following release word for word. And do it with feeling. From Just Jared and E! Online:

"We are very excited to be representing Aliana Lohan. She represents the future face of fashion and will be a photographer's dream with her chameleon-like beauty.

In fashion, Ali will set herself apart as a bona fide icon.One that fashion fans will follow not because of her famous last name, but because of the beautiful images and fashion trends she is helping create."

Future face of fashion? Chameleon-like beauty? Bona fide icon? Has anybody at NEXT been heard from in the past few hours? Methinks White Oprah roofied their Diet Coke cooler, snuck into their offices and then typed out that wreck of a press release while they were all passed out on the floor. I don't know. But I do know that this news will make every copy of Photoshop commit suicide.

And no, that picture isn't of Hank Azaria as Gargamel. Just clearing that shit up.

Posted by: Michael K

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I Don't Like Jokes • Why Are You Pulling My Dick?

Submitted by beakers bitch on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:43pm.

Submitted by Momus the Sarcastic on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 5:08pm.
Ali's next modelling assignment:

http://www.glamourdog.com/dog-clothes.html

OMFG, in the Halloween costume section they've got school girl outfits for dogs, lol! WTF?

Submitted by Condi the ingro... on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:42pm.

Yeah, she'll probably find work as a "model" (read: Dina's ho stroll) until her "career" is derailed by alcoholism and methamphetamines. She'll end up looking just as good as her sister.

What, too harsh? I give her 6 months.

Submitted by Uncle Brain-fart on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:42pm.

Submitted by mike on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 4:57pm.
Submitted by LisaRose on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 4:55pm.
Anyone know if she's still in school or ever finished high school?

I thought I heard something about White Ope taking her out of school and teaching her herself. Not kidding.
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Homeschooling ala Lohan? What can go wrong???

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"I also have felt the nose heat of the man meat."
SFRB, 04/26/11
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http://www.youtube.com/user/beeper246#p/a/u/2/BrO86m4qAEs

Submitted by Cowjam on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:41pm.

I googled "icons" hoping to find some frightful scary Russian religious image. Instead, I got this-a bona fide icon:

http://www.bahdour.com/vb/imgcache2/10147.gif

Submitted by jim on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:40pm.

WELL I GUESS FUCKING BIG LOTS AND 99 CENTS STORES NEED HO MODELS TOO!

Submitted by Alix on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:39pm.

What the hell??? She's always looked old for her age, but she used to be semi-pretty. Now she's got that eyebrow fuckery going on, and -- has her nose actually GROWN? And she can't be all that tall, so what's she going to do, become some superstar petite model? Ain't no such thing. Oh, the humanity!!

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"I'm just going to stop at the 24-hour donut shop and then go home."
"What are you depressed about? Or celebrating?"

Submitted by Dog on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:38pm.

First Michael, then Blo, now Ali.

In order to qualify as a Lohan, do you need to be a fivehead or something?

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www.charitywater.org

www.animalrescuesite.com

www.modestneeds.org

Submitted by Momus the Sarcastic on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:38pm.

Ali's next modelling assignment:

http://www.glamourdog.com/dog-clothes.html

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“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.” J.R.R. Tolkien.
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Submitted by tikiti on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:38pm.

She looks like Margret McPoyle from It's Always Sunny! http://bit.ly/r8sp5h

Submitted by Bat_Boy on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:37pm.

If White Oprah is teaching her anything it's probably how to suppress a gag reflex - you know real life skills shit.

Ali Lohan coming to a Sears catalog near you.

Submitted by DeeDee on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:39pm.

@ PSL

That young Beast Kardashian (Kylie?)
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Hahahaha! She's almost as tall as Khloe! At least she's not as hairy.

I think that modeling agency is going to plastic surgery the shit out of her face.

Submitted by contrario on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:36pm.

She got her father's nose. And she deserves it.

Submitted by caprica six on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:33pm.

Submitted by Dog on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 4:59pm.

Lmaooo! This is what happens when the Carvel Black card closes on a bitch. And I can totally see white oprah breaking and entering and typing false promotion out. WHERE'S FUDGIE THE WHALE WHEN YOU NEED HIM??! This whole family needs a whale-tail bitch slap and a fudgie-squirt.

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"too bad ... we want money...want...money..."
- Doug and Courtney, subroutine-cyberspeak of love

Submitted by Cowjam on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:33pm.

Chameleon-like beauty? You mean she looks like a lizard?

I have never been one to rag on a person's physical shortcomings, but this one is just BEGGING for it. Somebody stop me, I could go on all night!

Submitted by beakers bitch on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:32pm.

Ummm, aren't models supposed to look good in pictures?

Submitted by Manimal5 on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:32pm.

Chameleon-like beauty? Field and Stream Magazine?

Submitted by Suzy Farkis on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:31pm.

Well, I'll agree with Next on one point - she does look like a lizard.

Submitted by jerseygirl17 on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:31pm.

Fashion? More like Revitalift.

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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate

Submitted by Cowjam on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:30pm.

Model what? Model plane, model train, model citizen? maybe it's a typo-you mean modal? Modular? Molar?

Submitted by gimpomatic on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:30pm.

Her face looks like what is left on the carpet after my dog throws up, eats his own vomit, and then throws up again 10 minutes later. "Future face of fashion"??? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...!!!!!!!!!!!!

Submitted by Dog on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:29pm.

"We are very excited to be representing Aliana Lohan. We're still in shock Management is making us say this shit. She represents the future face of fashion and will be a photographer's dream with her chameleon-like beauty. Bitch's face will set fashion back fifty years and will be a photographer's nightmare with her eyebrows that are so thick they could hide Kanye's ego plus the entire Brady Bunch.

In fashion, Ali will set herself apart as a bona fide icon. Clearly, we got no clue what fashion is because a dog's asshairs are more iconic than this raddled skank. One that fashion fans will follow not because of her famous last name, Fashion fans only associate "Lohan" with where to score coke but because of the beautiful images and fashion trends she is helping create."because the only trends this family of white trash knows how to create are knee pads in leggings for comfort while blowing drunks in alleys and hanging on curtains in a drunken stupor while crying that they haz no friends.

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www.charitywater.org

www.animalrescuesite.com

www.modestneeds.org

Submitted by mike on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:27pm.

Submitted by LisaRose on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 4:55pm.
Anyone know if she's still in school or ever finished high school?

I thought I heard something about White Ope taking her out of school and teaching her herself. Not kidding.

Submitted by caprica six on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:27pm.

She's hoarding some shit in those groucho brows, something evil.

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"too bad ... we want money...want...money..."
- Doug and Courtney, subroutine-cyberspeak of love

Submitted by LisaRose on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:25pm.

Anyone know if she's still in school or ever finished high school?

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Visit my husband's webcomic DUNGEON HORDES at http://www.drunkduck.com/dungeon_hordes
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Submitted by precociousmagpie on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:24pm.

"chameleon-like beauty"

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

fuck deficient and loving it.

Submitted by letinstar on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:24pm.

model in the lohan household means tricking for money, which im sure ali is well versed in...

that forehead, those brows, that nose...everything from the neck up is a disaster...

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Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent...

Submitted by Manimal5 on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:24pm.

They must have designed a new program called Miracleshoppe because I don't there's a tool for ugly.

Submitted by Tigerlilly on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:24pm.

The AARP news bulletin needs models too...So times are tough and they can't afford fresh faced seniors or big names anymore...I say if Alianna is willing to model the latest geriatric fashions whilst working it on a Hove Around, so be it until the economy recovers.

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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...

Submitted by Albatross on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:23pm.

I'll just repeat what I wrote in the LeAnn Rimes thread: God-DAMN, she ugly!

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"It's all fun and farts until somebody gets punched." -MK

Submitted by azgirl on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:23pm.

The way how they photoshop the hell out of everybody do you really need to be pretty to be a model this days?

Submitted by mike on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:22pm.

Progeria Lohan in da house!

Submitted by zomay on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:22pm.

I like the idea that all people can be models these days. No really, it lowers the attractive scale. I look drop dead gorgeous on this new sliding attractive scale.
I hope it slides even further! Ha! Before you know on a scale of 1 to 10, I will be a 20.
Thank you to all the models out there. Good luck to Aly! Make your money.

Submitted by angel_i on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:20pm.

She looks like Rebecca Black now. And here's me thinking nothing could make me hate her more.

♥ Threadkilla!
Suck My Dick: http://youtu.be/Mxap2jnfF-E

Submitted by TexnDoc on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:19pm.

Rose is a hand model. Blanche, a face. Dorothy reads their first big assignment: "Do your hands look like this? Does your face look like this? You need 'Ponce-De-Leon's Anti-Aging Cream'. HA-HA-hahaha! (clears throat) Uhm, I'd sue."

Submitted by sillykat on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:19pm.

fucked up!!!! She looks like shit all the time. There are middle aged women in my office I would call fashion icons before this nasty little ho.

Isn't there some gorgeous African girl they could give a contract to?????

Submitted by angel_i on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:19pm.

Meh. It took her a while wasn't it the spring before last summer that they were doing all those test shots for her. They MUST have had to beg in the end.

♥ Threadkilla!
Suck My Dick: http://youtu.be/Mxap2jnfF-E

Submitted by M.E. on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:18pm.

"And no, that picture isn't of Hank Azaria as Gargamel. Just clearing that shit up."

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHA!

And a huge WTF?

Submitted by Momus the Sarcastic on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:18pm.

I thought this was a picture of Cote de Pablo who is 31 years old. In fact, de Pablo looks younger than AliLo.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cote_de_Pablo

Submitted by Dog on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:17pm.

Benjamina buttons. hahahha

That eyebrowN situation is some serious fuckerooney.

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www.charitywater.org

www.animalrescuesite.com

www.modestneeds.org

Submitted by Jana on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:17pm.

the only thing she's got going for her is that she's skinny. The hair, the brows, no lips, the honker...definitely not model material.

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www.theanimalrescuesite.com - Click everyday to help animals in shelters

Submitted by howdareyou on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:15pm.

Jesus fucking hell, a model? Yeah, she looks like a chameleon since they're fucking lizards. Lindsay was never pretty, but this girl makes Khloe Yetissian look like Cindy Crawford in her 20's.

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"Your ignorance makes me ill and angry. Your savageness...must...end."

Submitted by Manimal5 on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:15pm.

A MODEL?? Oh what...being a fake Rockette not good enough?

Submitted by spankypants on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:15pm.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 4:39pm.

The faces of the 90's : Christy Turlington, Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell.

The faces of today: Rumer Willis, Ali Lohan, That young Beast Kardashian (Kylie?)
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You must mean Kowlina Kardashian.

Submitted by Bat_Boy on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:14pm.

I need to get on the phone with my momma... she's slackin'.

Submitted by Jana on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:13pm.

MK! Great minds think alike. I was just going to comment on how she reminded me of Gargamel before I was done reading. She's godawful.

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www.theanimalrescuesite.com - Click everyday to help animals in shelters

Submitted by Hekki on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:13pm.

She's probably going to be doing ads for HRT and discreet urinary incontinence products.

Submitted by ISprainedMyUvula on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:12pm.

She is truly unattractive.

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Try to be original, like the Colonel Sanders (may he rest in peace with his secret spices and shit). - urmomma

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 3:09pm.

The faces of the 90's : Christy Turlington, Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell.

The faces of today: Rumer Willis, Ali Lohan, That young Beast Kardashian (Kylie?)

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....................

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'Cause you're everywhere to me - and when I close my eyes it's you I see
You're everything I know that makes me believe I'm not alone
- Michelle Branch