The Curious Case Of Ali Lohan Is A Model Now

Because Lindsay Lohan’s days as the Lohan family’s main cokewinner are long gone, White Oprah is getting desperate to find a ho to pay her bar tab so she doesn’t have to try to overcome her allergic reaction to actually working a real job. That’s where 17-year-old Ali Lohan comes in. Before White Oprah completely sells Ali Lohan to a gerontophile for a bag of Oxies and some drink tickets, she’s going to try to make some cash off of her in the modeling world. White Oprah somehow managed to score Ali a multi-year modeling contract with NEXT Modeling Management. Benjamina Button’s portrait will hang alongside pictures of Miranda Kerr and Molly Simms on NEXT’s wall of models.

The only reasonable explanation for this is that White Oprah threatened to visit NEXT’s office every single day and flash her freckled chest testicles at their front door security camera until they signed Ali. The press release NEXT burped out confirms this. White Oprah stood over them with her deep fried talons grabbing the bottom of her shirt, threatening to show them the double faces of hell if they didn’t make the press release sound as delusional as possible.

If you ever want to be committed immediately without a psychiatric evaluation, just read the following release word for word. And do it with feeling. From Just Jared and E! Online:

“We are very excited to be representing Aliana Lohan. She represents the future face of fashion and will be a photographer’s dream with her chameleon-like beauty.

In fashion, Ali will set herself apart as a bona fide icon.One that fashion fans will follow not because of her famous last name, but because of the beautiful images and fashion trends she is helping create.”

Future face of fashion? Chameleon-like beauty? Bona fide icon? Has anybody at NEXT been heard from in the past few hours? Methinks White Oprah roofied their Diet Coke cooler, snuck into their offices and then typed out that wreck of a press release while they were all passed out on the floor. I don’t know. But I do know that this news will make every copy of Photoshop commit suicide.

And no, that picture isn’t of Hank Azaria as Gargamel. Just clearing that shit up.