Hot Slut Of The Day!
William & Catherine: A Royal Romance, the most accurate portrayal of the royal family EVER presented by Comedy Central The Hallmark Channel! Oh, and by “accurate” I mean “Are those bitches at Hallmark rolling up their own cards, stuffing it with that annoying card confetti and then smoking it up before making casting decisions?!” Seriously, whatever they’re smoking, they need to keep smoking, because this television movie event of the century looks like a glorious crown made of dried shit and the saliva Fergie spat out when she cackled at this mess. This television shit show will inspire the Razzies to create a television category.
Everything about this is YES. The acting is slightly better than the emotion a butt plug shows in an amateur gay porn and their motto while casting this was obviously: fuckit. I mean, Kate Middleton (played by Alice St. Clair) looks more like a junior high school Evangeline Lilly. Prince William (played by Dan Amboyer) looks like a late-in-life lesbian who still uses L.A. Looks styling gel. And Jean Smart as Camilla?! Yes, Jean Smart herself and not Jean Smart’s foot.
But the most ridiculous casting has to be Victor Garber as Prince Charles. Victor Garber has a wide face like a frittata and Prince Charles has a long face like a microwaved breakfast sausage. Next to each other, they make a delicious breakfast, but they don’t even come close to making a perfect pair of twins. Who looks at Victor Garber and thinks, “He looks like one of Camilla’s tampons”? NOBODY. If Humpty Dumpty had a great fall onto Prince Charles’ peen and they made a baby together, that baby might look like Victor Garber, but probably not.
The rest of this mess of a cast includes Jane Alexander as The Queen, Mark Penfold as Prince Philip and Stanley Eldridge as Prince Hot Ginge.
There’s really no reason to watch this movie, because I feel like we’ve seen it all. On the night it airs, let’s put together our own dramatic interpretation of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s love using a liquefied potato (as Camilla), a breakfast sausage (as Prince Charles, duh), a fennel bulb (as Prince William), an extra thick dildo covered in hot sauce (as Prince Hot Ginge) and a bowl of cold bulgur (as Kate Middleton). It will probably be more accurate than this Hallmark shit.
