UsWeekly said last month that Ryan Reynolds rebounded off of ScarJo’s chichis and dove straight onto Charlize Theron’s crotch. There was never really anything proof of this. No staged pictures of them trying to pull each other’s swim chonies off at the beach. No “leaked” stills from their blurry fuck tape. None of that. And now it’s completely over, so says UsWeekly. They say that Charlize and Ryan’s time together lasted about as long as a blonde riding on Hef’s grave worm dick. A source says that Ryan quit that shit, because Charlize wants to start a family and he isn’t ready to dirty his muscle ab biscuits with baby barf. The source put it like this:
“He only wanted something casual, but she’s in a rush to settle down, have kids and start a family since she’s getting older.
[Charlize] didn’t take it very well when he broke it off. She knows deep down that it wouldn’t have worked, but she is pretty bummed out about it all.”
That’s nice and everything, but what about us?! What about the people with the sex lives of a garbage disposal apple who were patiently waiting for fap material in the form of a picture of Charlize and Ryan simultaneously licking on each other’s nipples under an outdoor shower? They couldn’t give us that as a parting gift? Selfish bitches. And Charlize considers herself a humanitarian? More like an inhumaneitarian.
That being said, Charlize is smooth. Getting tired of fucking on a recently divorced piece who keeps doing ab crunches while you ride on top? Just hit him with the “I want kids” talk and he won’t even waste time grabbing his Flex Belt while he runs out the door.