On October 9th, lure your worst enemies to your house with promises of free puppies and pot cake (or potcake puppies), strap them into chairs in front of your TV, glue their eyelids to their brows and torture their souls raw by forcing them to watch the Kim Kardashian wedding special on E!. Entertainment Weekly says that when Kris Humphries sacrifices himself to the Kardashian monster by marrying the butt of the beast, E! will film every second of it and air it in a two-night special. It will be FOUR FUCKING HOURS long.
Now we really know where that portal in Carol Anne’s closet really took her. It took her into the terrifying future where she was a guest at Kim Kardashian’s wedding. You can chant all you want but your TV will never get clean after you watch 4 hours of that mess.
Speaking of chanting, even if you don’t believe in it you should try. Chant for a wish that on Kim’s wedding day, Brad Pitt and St. Angie get married next door, Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie announce their divorce in an interpretive dance on the front lawn and Tim Peeler finally catches Khloe with a net and drags her back to his backwoods cabin to domesticate with him in bliss (this is possible, Tim saw it on a TV show). Basically, just pray bitch gets outshone.
Or if you like to keep things simple, you can pray that Pimp Mama Kris revives her world famous pop career by performing this during the wedding march:
That will make even the Kardashians’ maker, Lucifer, take the express elevator from Hell to put an end to this madness.