Will And Jada’s Mansion Isn’t Big Enough

In the new issue of Architectural Digest, The Smith Family gave the magazine a tour of their 25,000 square foot mega mansion in Malibu that they built from the ground up. To put things into perspective, my apartment is probably the size of one of the bathroom tiles in the powder room that they’ll never ever piss in because they’ve got 10 of them!

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith tell AD (via Daily Mail) that mostly everything in the house was made by human hands and comes from all over the world. Will and Jada are into that OM shit, so she says they kept that in mind when designing the 9″ burrito dick of houses.

“For Will and me this home was always a spiritual endeavor.

We’re very earthy, organic people. We wanted to create a family retreat, something made by hand and as natural as possible, something that ties back to the land. Whatever it becomes, the craftsmanship will always represent our union and the love of our family.”

Will then said that they designed the house with “no dead ends… to create an infinite cycle that represented what Jada and I hoped for our love.” Kind of like the infinite cycle of vomit that’s about to pour out of my mouth hole after reading that mess of a quote? Okay, I get it.

Will and Jada obviously love living in a gigantic mansion that looks like one of the nicer Radissons, so I won’t get on them at how my ass cheeks are sweating from the chair overload in their front hallway alone. Seriously, that shit almost looks like an indoor park. If I walked by and saw two strange old men with Styrofoam cups of coffee playing chess, I wouldn’t even blink. I also wouldn’t even blink if a colony of possums from the north wing passed by me while going to the south wing for winter. Even Jada and Will wouldn’t notice.

This is the real secret to their long-lasting marriage. Jada and Will are always going on about how they keep their marriage hot by fucking each other’s holes all over the place. Bitches, please.

The truth is their marriage has lasted so long, because they never see each other! It’s too much work. When Will wants to visit Jada in her private suite at the opposite end of their compound, he needs a GPS system, three sets of fully charged batteries, a golf cart, a space blanket and a guide with a donkey to get there. It’s easier just to send that bitch a postcard via Pony Express.