J.G. Hooker Reporting For Duty

If I told you last week that pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal looking like a giant cut peen in a police uniform were in your near future, you might have Saran wrapped your chair and called into your job’s voicemail at 6am to tell them you’re taking a personal fapping day. (Yes, I know you call in at 6am when nobody’s there so you don’t have to speak to a live person. You aren’t fooling anybody.) But now there are pictures of Jakey looking like a giant cut peen in a police uniform on the L.A. set of the movie End of Watch and I’ve got nothing.

Jake has never really been my cup of sweet tea, but a dude in uniform is a dude in uniform. However, if I got pulled over and Jake sashayed up with his weapon out, I’d have to stop myself from making “Is that a gun in your hand or are you just...” jokes and then I’d tell him, “Girl, stop playing. Put down that water gun and let’s go and get lavender and mint oil head massages.” Even Stick-Up Kitten would be like, “Really now?”

But I see what Jake is really doing here. Jake has played a cowboy, a solider and now he’s playing a police officer. When I open up The Hollywood Reporter tomorrow morning (you know, because I open up The Hollywood Reporter every morning), I expect to read the headline: “Jake Gyllenhaal To Star In A Remake Of Squanto.” If you can’t join the Village People, you might as well play every single one of them in a different movie. Fill up your Village People costume closet, Jake. Fill it!