Seen here Photoshopped into another dimension where the Jennifer Lopez we know looks more like a praying mantis alien vacuum sealed into a Kim Kardashian skin bag, JLo gave Vanity Fair the first interview since her marriage to Skeletor was slaughtered and fed to Panthor. While wearing a coat made from the scalped heads of the albino virgins Skeletor sacrificed and fed to his 11″ wrist dick, JLo didn’t totally get into the rumors that she left the Puerto Rican Ren because she couldn’t take his controlling ways anymore.
JLo only said that she loves herself enough (pendeja should’ve stopped right there) to walk away and that she’s constantly searching for love. The last part convinced Vera Wang to take out that mortgage on a $5 million beach house she’s been wonk eyeing, because JLo’s going to touch a new wedding ring more than than I touched the snooze button this morning (SPOILER ALERT: 8). Here’s a few carefully worded quotes that fell out of JLo’s mouth hole:
On how she really tried to make her marriage work: “That was my biggest dream, and I really worked hard at it. We both did. Sometimes it doesn’t work—and that’s sad. But I remain an eternal optimist about love. I believe in love. It’s still my biggest dream. I am positive—determined to move forward with my life, bring up my babies, and do the best job I can as a mother, entertainer, and person. I now look forward to new challenges. I feel strong.”
On how Skeletor treated her like shit: “I’m a hopeless romantic and passionate person when it comes to love. It’s not that I didn’t love myself before. Sometimes we don’t realize that we are compromising ourselves. To understand that a person is not good for you, or that that person is not treating you in the right way, or that he is not doing the right thing for himself—if I stay, then I am not doing the right thing for me. I love myself enough to walk away from that now.”
On how everything was about Skeletor and the Dragon Tales Twins: “Like I said, we had the first three years of our marriage just for us. I wasn’t working, it was mainly about him. Then we got pregnant. Then it became about the kids. And then I started working again.”
On how she’s so kind of heart that she’s actually going to let Skeletor stay in the Dragon Tales Twins’ lives: “I will always respect Marc as a singer and performer. We actually work great together, and he was always very supportive. Together we could make magic—and we did. He will always be in our lives. He will always hold a special place in my heart as the father of my children.”
On some bullshit that I can’t even…: “I think I’m a really great performer. I think I’m a really great actress. I feel confident in those things—that’s a better way to say it. I’m not as gifted a vocalist as some of the girls that are out there, but I know I communicate.”
What I’m getting from this is that dozens of People magazine covers with JLo and husband #4, #5, #6, #7, #8 and #9 are in our future. What I’m also getting from this is that JLo can spare us this torture by marrying the one thing that loves her the most: HER MIRROR! Seriously, she loves her mirror and her mirror loves her. When JLo hears love songs, she thinks of her mirror and her mirror thinks of her. Besides, I’m pretty sure a mirror won’t let out a fart after it swallows a laugh (it has to go somewhere) when JLo looks deep into it and talks about what a great actress she is. JLo & her mirror = the love story of our time!