Dunkin’ Honuts

Understudy Title: Dunkin’ Dosluts
Second Understudy Title: Dunkin’ Doze Nuts For A Dollar
Third Understudy Title: Too Many Puns, Too Little Time

When you hit the drive-thru at the Dunkin’ Donuts in Rockaway, NJ, you better be specific on whether or not you want the glazed hole and cream-filled eclair or the glazed hole and cream-filled eclair. That’s because one of their employees was arrested for selling a side of ass with coffee and bear claws.

29-year-old Dunkin’ Donuts employee Melissa Redmond was the star of a six-week-long sting operation called “Extra Sugar” that was set up after police got an “anonymous tip” that she was sucking on anonymous tips in the parking lot. The police started staking out the Dunkin’ Donuts and immediately noticed that Melissa, who worked the graveyard shift, would regularly visit cars in the parking lot for a long time. They stepped up the investigation by sending an undercover cop through the drive-thru to try to buy a Coolatta and coochie from Melissa . Melissa allegedly took the bait and passed him her phone number.

Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann told the NYDN that the undercover cop parked and waited for Melissa to come out. When Melissa got into his car, she told the cop how much it would cost to squeeze some cream out of his Long John. The undercover cop told her it was too much and she got out of the car. He came back a few nights later and Melissa agreed to lower her prices. The cop told her he was going to go to the ATM to get some cash and that’s when she was busted.

Melissa was charged with prostitution whoring.

Oh, Melissa. She almost had a perfect game going. Outdoor hookers are nearly burning their clits off in this heat and forget about selling vagina on Craigslist. That’s like walking into a murder scene. Melissa played it smart. Melissa got to hang out in a temperature-controlled Dunkin’ Donuts and then take 20 steps to a car parked outside when ho shit duty called. Afterward, she could gargle out the condom taste with iced coffee. It was brilliant…until the ho got caught. Her only mistake is that she didn’t shush those cops with some free donuts and a cut of her earnings.

Okay, her other mistake is that she didn’t pull some Sweeney Todd shit. With the price of sugar and tap water on the rise (I’m making that up), she should’ve held on to her johns’ used condoms and really put the cream in cream puff. Actually, maybe she did……..

Note to self: If I ever find myself at the Dunkin’ Donuts in Rockaway, make sure to spit, not swallow.

(Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)