It’s true that Dolly Parton’s magnificent chichis are to a newborn baby as to what the endless ice cream machine at the Souplantation near my mom’s house is to me. But that doesn’t mean you should pull some dramatic soap opera shit by leaving your baby on her doorstep. Dolly told Fox News that back in the 1970s, some insane Dollyhead gave her the gift that keeps on spitting and shitting and screaming……
“Years ago, when I first started being a big star, I had fans that were fanatical. It was when ‘Jolene’ was a big hit. We came home one day and there was a baby in a box at our gate with a note in it. The note said, ‘My name is Jolene, my momma has left me here and she wants you to have me’. Of course, we all freaked out! It wasn’t like it was a kitten or a puppy dog. It was a baby named Jolene!”
Dolly turned the baby over to Human Services, so if you’re a 30-something adopted child named Jolene, you now know that you once stared into titty leche paradise.
Leave it to Dolly to let us that know straitjacket stans existed long before Twihards were leaving tampon babies they “gave birth to” on RPattz’s doorstep.
That whole story is just fucking sad, fucking pathetic, fucking desperate and the lowest form of crazy. (Flash forward to me squeezed into a laundry basket with a pacifier in my mouth, a bonnet over my head and a note that reads “Dear Anderson Cooper, Mah name is Baby Boo and mah momma wants you to have me.”)