Amy Winehouse Was Supposed To Become Somebody’s Mother

St. Lucia was Amy Winehouse’s second home and during most of 2009 you could find her there spending time with the locals or snatching glasses of the sweet nectar off of tables. The Sunday Mirror says that Amy was so at one with the people of St. Lucia that she was in the final stages of adopting a 10-year-old girl named Dannika Augustine. The thing is, Dannika isn’t some orphan who lives in a cave off the beach with stray dogs and sells bracelets made out of her own hair to tourists. No, Dannika lives with her mother and grandmother, which makes this even weirder.

Dannika’s mother is out of work and is struggling to feed her daughter, so Amy was going to save the day. Both of Dannika’s parents were going to sign off on the adoption once Amy’s lawyers finished up putting together the papers. Amy was also planning to move to St. Lucia so she could spend as much time as possible with Dannika before the adoption became official.

Dannika told The Mirror, “Amy was already my mother. I would call her mum and she would call me her ­daughter. She took care of me and we had fun together. I loved her and she loved me. She was the most amazing person and I was looking forward to living with her here or in London. I cannot believe she is gone. This is the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

Something tells me that Dannika would’ve also said that last line if Amy did adopt her ass.

Amy was not in a state to take care of a taxidermy turtle let alone a living, breathing human child. Dannika would’ve had to figure out real quick how to make soup out of weave cheese and dirty ballet slippers. Seriously, Child Protective Services would’ve opened up an office in front of Amy’s house. That’s why there’s something off about this. If Amy’s heart beat something special for Dannika, why didn’t she just send her a check every month instead of adopting the kid?

I’m no Detective La Toya, but I’m pretty sure Dannika’s family is trying to pull some coins out of Mitch Winehouse’s pocket by trying to pull his heart strings. Joke’s on their asses, though. Mitch Winehouse doesn’t have heart strings anymore, thankyouverymuch. He already pulled those strings out and used ’em to tie up stacks of Amy’s money to the bottom of his bed so Blaaaaake can’t get to that shit. Ha and ha.