The Delicate Queens Of Leon

July 30, 2011 / Posted by:

Caleb Followill, the lead singer of Kings of Leon, issued an “I QUIT THIS BITCH” during a show in Dallas, TX last night and pigeon shit was not to blame this time.

Caleb’s skin is a fragile layer of daisy petals that wilts in the heat and so he couldn’t take it. TMZ reports that Caleb stopped in the middle of the show, told the audience that it was way too hot for him and said he was going backstage to vomit and drink a beer. While KoL’s fans stood in the dead heat, precious Caleb was carried off to his all-white dressing room where slaves hand fed him Evian ice cubes and fanned him with swan feathers while spritzing his face with 60º Perrier from a crystal bottle. “My rider says that you must spray my face with 60º Perrier and my face is telling me that Perrier is at least 66º! I hate you! You’re fucking fired! Ugh. And now I’m hot again. You there, put on those panda uterus skin gloves and massage my temples with some chilled creme de la blended diamonds. What did I say about making eye contact?! I hate my life. Those children in Ethiopia have no idea how good they have it!” – Caleb, last night

The audience waited, but Caleb never came back out. Two of his bandmates did and announced that the rest of the show was canceled. They told the audience, “Hate Caleb, not us.

Tonight’s show in Houston was also postponed. Caleb’s brother and bandmate, Jared Followill, threw a little shade when he wrote this on Twitter:

Dallas, I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am. There are internal sicknesses & problems that have needed to be addressed. No words.

I love our fans so much. I know you guys aren’t stupid. I can’t lie. There are problems in our band bigger than not drinking enough Gatorade.

What he’s trying to say is that KoL fans should synchronize their watches for the inevitable “Caleb is in rehab due to exhaustion” announcement.

And I’m sure Jared got Caleb back for ditching the show by slipping a pea under the stack of mattresses he sleeps on every night.

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