Spaz de la Huerta Puts On A Lotion Show At The Courthouse

When Spaz de la Huerta slid into a Manhattan courthouse yesterday to plead guilty to slapping a trick, she drizzled high art fuckery on the thirsty masses by giving a free show at the security screening checkpoint. Here I was thinking that all the best performance art pieces happen on a Penn Station subway platform when the highest levels of messy art go down at the courthouse.

Page Six says that everyone was “riveted” when Spaz sashayed through the magnetometers and then slowly slathered her legs with lotion. One courthouse employee was so “riveted” that he obviously stored Spaz’s high art lotion show in his brain’s memory chip to pull out later while he’s doing “very nice lotioning” stuff to his down low parts. Dude ejaculated these words from his mouth:

“She did both legs all the way up to the thighs. It was lovely. Very nice lotioning!”

I wish I was very nice at lotioning. It would solve of all my social problems. But seriously, that wasn’t lotion Spaz lubed up her legs with. Lotion is for breathing humans and Spaz is beyond a breathing human. Spaz is like a walking chorizo with matte pink lips. So it wasn’t lotion. It was Crisco. Very nice Criscoing! There, I fixed it for him.

Here’s Criscoing champion and the most beautiful woman in the world arriving at court yesterday while looking like she just finished a 12-hour-long orgy in a boiler room.