You know those plastic swan favors you get at weddings that I always go on about? The ones that are usually filled with pastel Jordan almonds wrapped in white netting? You always take that plastic swan favor home and put it on your coffee table where it spends the next few months being a catcher for crap like cherry pits, peanut shells, loogie balls and random toe nails you find on the floor (sometimes they belong to me, sometimes my dog, sometimes I have no idea).
When you’re forced to move after you fall behind on your rent and need to get into a new apartment before your landlord screws up your credit by reporting you to a collection agency, you even wrap that plastic swan favor in an old magazine sheet and bring it with you. You don’t know why. It’s like it hypnotized you with its little plastic eyes and is controlling you to drag it with you through life. Seriously, I have a menagerie of those useless bitches. And now I have another one: PIPPA MIDDLETON!
The royal wedding was a million years ago and Pippa Middleton, the human embodiment of a plastic swan favor, is still sitting on my coffee table staring at me like, “You’re in it forever, whore.” What’s worse is that plastic swan favor is getting her own special on TLC called Crazy About Pippa. Who exactly is crazy about that bland bitch? Can they step forward, because I have a menagerie of plastic swan favors I’d like to beat them in the head with.
Of course, TLC is dragging the tingle in my loins that is Prince Hot Ginge into this. Radar says that in the special, some “insider” claims that one of PHG’s nicknames for Pippa is “Foxy Filly.” This fraudulent piece of non-information should inspire me to line up my menagerie of plastic swan favors, fill them with cold cauliflower mash (to represent Pippa’s unflavored ass) and slap ’em all, but it doesn’t. I walked away from that urge and instead decided to look up the true meanings of FOXY and FILLY. It massaged my jealous rage and opened up my third eye (it’s winking at you). The definitions are:
adjective, fox·i·er, fox·i·est.
1. foxlike; cunning or crafty; slyly clever.
noun, plural -lies.
1. a young female horse.
Unlike the insane moron bitch who e-mailed me and said that my Prince Hot Ginge obsession should land me in a padded room where the color ginge does not exist, Dictionary.com does not tell lies. PHG is basically calling Pippa a shifty horse. And we all know that shifty horses are in CAHOOTS with plastic swan favors. Makes sense.