Scientific minds have concluded that the movie that makes your heart turn inside/out and slip out of your b-hole to drown itself in the puddle of sad tears you cried out is The Champ starring Ricky Schroeder. They have named the 1979 remake of The Champ the saddest movie ever, because they say that nothing rips off your heartstrings off like watching a white-haired boy weep tears while witnessing (SPOILER ALERT) the death of Jon Voight. But after staring at these pictures of RiRi Lauper at a show in Madrid, I have just to say: screw Ricky, screw Jon, screw those stupid scientists and screw The Champ. Those scientists are scientists the same way Rachel from Big Brother is a scientist. They need more education, as my mom would say.
The saddest of the sad movies is obviously Where the Red Fern Grows! Everybody knows this. We don’t know how to respond to feeling sad by crying until it’s triggered by watching Where the Red Fern Grows as kids. I swear, who’s the scientist here? Those morons or a moron who ditched nearly every one of his science classes to draw pictures on a Pee Chee folder in a bathroom stall (aka me)?
Just looking at the red fern on Cyndi’s head is making me heavy in the tear ducts. I bet if I lifted her hair, I’d see those two Redbone Coonhounds, Old Dan and Little Ann, holding onto each other’s paws as they sleep their way to heaven. The true sads.
But really, the saddest movie I’ve ever seen is Hush, because Fishsticks Paltrow’s character lives at the end.