Hugh Hefner Calls Crystal Harris A Liar
Failed gold digger Crystal Harris told Howard Stern yesterday that a tongue depressor held by a free clinic nurse has been in her vagina longer than Hugh Hefner's tortoise head dick was. In case you haven't already shuddered through that mess, Crystal said sexy time (because there was only one) with Hef was anything but sexy and it lasted about 2 seconds. Crystal also said that Hef had to stop guzzling down the Viagra since it was making him blind in the eyes and all he really wanted to do anyway was cuddle with her. Did you hear that makers of the Boyfriend Pillow? This is your cue to start making a Whore Friend Pillow (with a built-in waist vagina pouch for keeping your hard candy safe) just for Hef.
Well, Hef went on Twitter last night to call Crystal a liar and say that she BAMBOOZLED his old fool heart. Hef has since deleted a few of those Tweets, but here they are thanks to the power of copy+paste to clipboard for future use.
The sex with Crystal the first night was good enough so that I kept her over two more nights.Crystal lied about our relationship on Howard Stern but I don't know why.
When I said, "I missed a bullet" when Crystal left, I didn't mean I didn't love her. I meant I realized she really didn't love me.
I feel sorry for Crystal. She seems lost.
Crystal convinced me that she adored me. That was the first lie.
I'm happy to be in a better place with new girlfriends Anna Sophia Berglund & Shera Bechard.
Long Tweet short, they're both dumb whores. Crystal is a dumb whore for admitting that she's not into necrophilia (there goes her gold digging career since she turned off every possible sugar pepaw). Hef is a dumb whore for thinking that a 23-year-old is with him for him and not for the bag of $2 million that falls into her lap when he croaks (insert a Holly Madison shank eye here).
And I'm a dumb whore for still talking about this mess. It doesn't matter if Crystal boned that bag of bones once, twice or a million times. It all still leaves me with the same feeling I felt when our family cat brought me a baby bunny head with bloody veins spilling out of its neck and shit. I tried to push a fake awww out of my mouth, but the wet heaves rushed up my throat, wrapped around it and dragged it down.
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WHY didn't Hef just marry Holly? She really seemed to love him and she made it known many times she wanted to marry him.
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"Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha." - MK
Do condoms come in "shrivelled, for his comfort"?
LOL! And, ewwwww!
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Nooooo. His dick uses a wheelchair much like a Trojan Horse.
Submitted by becky n sydney on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 8:54pm.
Submitted by Flowbie on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 7:24pm.
Howard said he's heard from other Playmates that Hef refuses to wear a condom. *wince*
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Do condoms come in "shrivelled, for his comfort"?
LOL! And, ewwwww!
Submitted by Flowbie on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 7:24pm.
Howard said he's heard from other Playmates that Hef refuses to wear a condom. *wince*
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Do condoms come in "shrivelled, for his comfort"?
I listened to the Howard Stern show yesterday, and Crystal Harris also said Hef didn't use a condom. She said she didn't want to blow him, and that he likes to kiss and cuddle mostly. Howard said he's heard from other Playmates that Hef refuses to wear a condom. *wince*
Submitted by yepyepyep on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 9:42am.
My cat brought her newborn eyes yet not open a gift, the biggest field rat I have ever seen, she wanted them to eat it, start them young I say, right Crystal?
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Aww...I love that over-achieving mama cat story!!
And sooo much more palatable than tales of Hef's stale, dusty worm.
Two seconds! In all the Viagra commercials, the dick stays hard for four hours, or then call the medics! And Hef is known for Viagra! Just another 15 minutes of fame whore.
Amen! Times are changing and women with any bit of self respect don't want to stigmatized themselves. Go with Hef and become sloppy 42nds.....how many girls has he been with? Why would anyone want to do that dirty old male slut? He's disgusting.
The only thing sadder are the losers that either hate women, so are fine with the idiot girls that buy into his shit or are so spineless, they have to go pick a designer whore out from his mansion.
Submitted by guest on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 11:34am.
As if it's some kind of an honor to bounce on his peen. Puhlease. Good for her for getting the hell away from that.
90% of the time if there's an age gap of say more than 15 years, she's with him for his money or she has mental problems or is too fugly to get a young guy.I do know a case where there is a 25 year age gap and she genuinely loves him and isn't mental or fugly but it's still creepy as hell to most of us who know them...(the thought of riding pepaw dick makes my skin crawl)
"When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better." ~Mae West
Hefner, you're a disgusting, repulsive old bag of bones.....any girl that comes close to you HAS TO BE LOST.
JUST DIE ALREADY and may that hideous, plastic, bleached, mentally deficient stereotype woman with the self esteem of a piece of lint die with you. You're a fucking bitch ass loser. DIE.
Submitted by cake coke and cock on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 11:40am.
Did anyone else click that Boyfriend Pillow link? Excuse me if this has been brought up already but I'm dying over here with the reviews on Amazon. One of them goes like this:
"I am a lonely man. I mostly blame the attention-deprived years of my childhood, but I also blame my failed marriage to that cold-hearted wench who took half of what I own..."
A) It reads a lot like Henry Miller and, B) Is that you, Jack??
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LMAO!!!!!!!!!!
No, it can't be Jack, cause his ex took EVERYTHING he owned!
God. I hate Twitter.
Well what the fuck does he expect when he hooks up with these types of women? True love? This story makes me laugh more & more everytime I hear something new about it, just delusional all the way..
Hugh - you are old and ugly. If you weren't famous and rich you couldn't get Phyllis Diller for a date.
Sent from my iPhone
I wish he would just go away. He's beyond gross.
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Dale Doback: Okay, here's the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one, go!
Submitted by cake coke and cock on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 1:01pm.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 12:39pm.
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Calm down Beavis.
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^hahahahahahahaha!!! fucker! I damn near shot mt dew outta my nose!!! and lol at the rubber/jelly fingers HOR! *swoooon*
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*paging Suzie Fuller*
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 12:39pm.
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Calm down Beavis. I actually thought about buying one.. if only the fingers were jelly-rubber :(
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Don't make me quote Nabokov at you. I'll do it. I promise.
Fuck you, Hef. I'm not even a hater (and you should SEE what kinda shit that gets me into!) but you HAD Holly but you were TOO selfish and now you deserve everything you get and more. Dumbass.
♥ Threadkilla!
RIP, Amy: Sep14,1983 to Jul23,2011
http://youtu.be/Con6WaimJ6c
Submitted by cake coke and cock on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 11:40am.
PLEASE DO NOT MOCK ME!!!!!
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*paging Suzie Fuller*
She looks like the bastard love child of Kendra and Bridget, except dumber than Kendra, if such a thing is even possible. This person gives new meaning to the word "contemptible."
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*tosses a bag of hot dicks into Jeanneee's trough* BON APPETIT BITCH! - Raul Duke, 1/26/11
Meh, hook up with Hugh Hefner and you deserve what you get.
That includes the "wtf was she thinking" ugly assed dress she's wearing.
Even Coco would be ashamed.
Did anyone else click that Boyfriend Pillow link? Excuse me if this has been brought up already but I'm dying over here with the reviews on Amazon. One of them goes like this:
"I am a lonely man. I mostly blame the attention-deprived years of my childhood, but I also blame my failed marriage to that cold-hearted wench who took half of what I own..."
A) It reads a lot like Henry Miller and, B) Is that you, Jack??
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Don't make me quote Nabokov at you. I'll do it. I promise.
As if it's some kind of an honor to bounce on his peen. Puhlease. Good for her for getting the hell away from that.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
When you lay down with dogs, you get up with fleas. This applies to both of these dumb dumbs.
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"Now, I do not condone humping the elderly..."—urmomma
The sex with Crystal the first night was good enough so that I kept her over two more nights. ...
Kept her over two more nights? Like a Blockbuster movie rental?
So she actually IS a prostitute, like we've all been saying here. Hef just gave the official confirmation. Okey-dokey!
I think she's an asshole. No one would know who she was if not for her fake engagement. She should stfu and be classy about it, but obviously she does not know how.
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And tomorrow we might not be together
I'm no prophet, I don't know natures way
So I'll try to see into your eyes right now
And stay right here, 'cause these are the good old days.
-Carly Simon
At least someone finally had the guts to tell the truth about the old reprobate.
The "kept her over for two nights" comment shows what a pathetic old asshole he is. As if being with Hef is such a fucking treat! The house is old, full of mold and scabies. Filled with junk and home to an octogenarian who is delusional enough to think he is still 1960's Hef.
Dude, your magazine and empire is on the ropes. You ain't all that anymore.
No fool like an old fool.
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Submitted by El Bastardo on Mon, 07/04/2011 - 11:39am.
You're only bisexual if someone rams a bottle of water up your ass and you cum. FACT.
To quote Willie Nelson when he turned 75.
"I've outlived my dick."
Hef will be fine. Crystal gets no sympathy - all she gets is a MAJOR FAIL!!! Damn easiest job she'll ever have. Think of all the women who have to go home to broke azz men who do nuthin to turn them on. No one cares about his inabilities Crystal. After all - you can't throw a rock at the Playboy Mansion without hitting a young, air-headed, blonde. He's doing her a favor by keeping her in the news by even responding to her accounts. Long after this blonde is gone, Hef will still have women fighting to get in bed with his azz. If she thinks for one moment that her interviews will keep women from Hef, she's more delusional than she has a right to be. Like folks were thinking that he was a stud even WITH Viagra. More women will come - especially now that she says all he likes to do is cuddle. That's the best free advertisement Hef could ask for.
As long as they're rich, old men willing to part with their $$ for some luvin - they're will be younger women around willing to take it.
Also:
Pack up your penis. It's time for it to retire.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
"was good enough so that I kept her over two more nights."
Like he owned her or was doing her a favor? WTF?
Also, that dress is so hideously ugly. It looks like she's being eaten by Kendra's flappy curtains.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
You cant ever go wrong with popsicle sticks and viagra.
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Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Submitted by REDMOND on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 10:09am.
Those three are all dime a dozen small town strip club rejects. barf.
yeah really they should have the decency to be trainwrecks like Anna Nicole.
govt_cheese -- I totally agree. Even a Silkwood-type shower, a flea dip & a complete vaginal overhaul couldn't freshen up some of the delicate creatures he's shacked up with. You'd think by this point in his life he'd just be done with that shit, ya know? If I were a guy, I wouldn't even feel safe in a haz mat suit touching one of those broads.
A source (nameless) who works at The Scooter Store – relayed that the real reason for the Hefner/Crystal split is….. (gasp)… is that Crystal Hair-ass could no longer stand the smell of urine and peanut butter in their bed.
Pity for him or her….? Hmmmm?
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*paging Suzie Fuller*
Ever since Bridgette, Holly, and Kendra left Hef has come across as super desperate and pathetic rather than larger than life porn mogul. I thought "The Girls Next Door" was a cute fun show to watch, and it kinda breathed new life into the Playboy brand but since its been over, shit has been weak. When Hef tried to go on with the show with those super skanky twins and this stupid ho he became laughable. Those three are all dime a dozen small town strip club rejects. barf.
An inexcusably indiscreet sex worker. I agree hef needs to put all his sex workers on non-disclosure agreements. Any ho he brings into his inner circle gets quite a bit of free publicity which can start off a career of modeling and marrying of elderly wealth if they can just play nice for a while.
If he doesn't understand how it works--not love, but quid pro quo, he's delusional--but more likely he is just propping up the charade with his public comments.
And is the constant attention of bimbos really so bad compared to a 'true love' marriage--half of which go sour anyway.
TEAM Crystal Harris. Gorgeous blondes can do no wrong.
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www.Facebook.com/Jyounger26
@Twat Muffin - not only is the carpet hell and gone from matching the curtains, but there's no amount of summer's eve available to freshen up that kind of used, not even in Paris Hilton's storage unit in El Rancho
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As useless as a saggy pair of tits
Ew Im surprised she event attempted to have sex with him but then again how else was she going to land the cover of Playboy
www.theinfamouslife.com
www.twitter.com/so_infamous
What an asshole! I kept her another two nights...??? Really? Typical. ALL about YOU, huh, Heff?????? Go die already!!
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I guess it's best to end a relationship the same way you start it: absolutely fucking tanked. MK 6/11
I'm inclined to believe Crystal on this one. Hef is delusional if he thinks these bimbos are actually with him because they find him attactive and are in love with him.
www.petfinder.com - enter your zip code to find adoptable pets in your area.
www.animalrescuesite.com - click everyday to help feed animals in shelters.
HE needs to grow the fuck up. No one believes an 80+ man can perform well sexually without any drugs. He should have made her sign a non-disclosure thingy and this shit wouldn't be happening.
What says Holly Madison?
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Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Suddenly got a mental pic of new girlfriends changing Hef's diaper immediately instead of letting him sit in a saggy, and then powdering his wrinkled nalgas just the way he likes. Kinda feel sorry that he suddenly realized this fake blonde ho didn't love him ... (BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! why can't I stop laughing?)
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As useless as a saggy pair of tits
Just think of all the smelly va-jay-jays the poor old coot has encountered in his lifetime. A lot of his women have looked like they weren't fresher than springtime, know what I mean?
*Twat sending cases of Summer's Eve to Playboy mansion*
hmmm i recall a while back one of Hef's ex-whores talking about the fact he puts them in line and they take turns bouncing on his mummified cock. Of course bitch had only 2 seconds with him...the other bitches in line were tapping her on the shoulder to hurry up so they could have their old pony ride too.
And she sealed her fate...no John wants a whore who is a babbler mouth anyway. So aside from a dumb twat like Dr. Phil's son, who would want Heff's Geritol-flavored sloppy seconds?
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"Let them measure my anus and see if it is dilated" - Father Andrés
What us up with the flycatcher mouth and yellow hair? Someone call Janice from the Muppets and tell her to come get her daughter.
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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate
OMG...the reviews for the boyfriend pillow are amazingly funny. i could read those all day. lol
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Miss your fucked up ways on my fucked up days.
She reminds me of Kendra. I don't know how anyone could with Hef.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.