QOTD: Crystal Harris Only Sexed On Hef Once

Crystal Harris continued on her Failed Gold Digging Whore Tour today by talking with Howard Stern about the first time she ever humped the bone dust out of Hugh Hefner's grave worm dick. It was pretty much the kind of romantic shit you'd expect between a 24-year-old lazy gold digger and an 85-year-old grandwhore. Crystal got to bypass Hef's usually conveyer belt line of blonde sluts and go straight to the front for a two-second long ride that made her pussy frown. Crystal spoke the language of true romance when she put it like this to Howard:

"[It lasted] like, two seconds. Then I was just over it. I was like, 'Ahh.' I was over it. I just, like, walked away. I'm not turned on by Hef. Sorry. He doesn't really take off his clothes. I've never seen Hef naked."

Sugar Pie better stick her little paw out, because Anna Nicole Smith is about to shed one single tear from heaven over this hurtful shit. Anna Nicole would've never behaved like that. That bum bitch Crystal Harris is a shame to all gold diggers. Yes, the thought of riding on Hef would make most coochies stiffen up like they've got rigor mortis, but you slap it loose and handle it.

You picture Hef's wrinkly flesh stick as his checking account and you picture your vag as your checking account. With every thrust you make, you picture a "transfer transmitting" bar. Don't hit back, just keep thrusting. Make that transfer, bitch! Seriously, that's how a real gold digger does it. I swear. If I was related to Crystal, I'd erase her name from our family tree on Ancestry.com. A shame.

via UsWeekly

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by agirl on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 2:31pm.

@Heathen

Excellent!

And so true about this: "[they] want the one they have to "work" for & "win over" to prove some thing to themselves. Stupid, I know, and self-destructive, but all too common."

Submitted by notreallyworking on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 8:58am.

no class. talking trash on Hef = blacklisted for life. cunt.

"Boy, the next words that come out of your mouth better be some brilliant fuckin' Mark Twain shit. 'Cause it's definitely getting chiseled on your tombstone."

Submitted by REDMOND on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 8:48am.

Wow. Dr. Phil's son has relly landed himself a winner!

Submitted by Infamous on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 8:30am.

Ew Im surprised she event attempted to have sex with him but then again how else was she going to land the cover of Playboy

www.theinfamouslife.com
www.twitter.com/so_infamous

Submitted by me_ on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 7:34am.

so tacky... having spoken these words she will never ride a celeb dick again... every celeb will just run away.

Submitted by jerseygirl17 on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 6:53am.

Submitted by ditquoi on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 7:52am.

" her double-reinforced megatron veneers of destruction."
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Oh. My. God. HAHAHAHAHAHA! That is hilarious.

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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate

Submitted by NC-Ladee on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 6:47am.

MAJOR gold digging FAIL!!!!

MK: You picture Hef's wrinkly flesh stick as his checking account and you picture your vag as your checking account. With every thrust you make, you picture a "transfer transmitting" bar. Don't hit back, just keep thrusting. Make that transfer, bitch! Seriously, that's how a real gold digger does it.

OH-KAY!!! I'm sooo with you on this MK. WTF did she expect?!?! Statements like this only make her look more like an idiot. She could have still redeemed herself - by keeping that connection with Hef and hanging with the crew. She's obviously still looking for ways to extend her 12 minutes - and until that interview was probably still welcomed at the ranch. I don't ever remember any ex-bunny coming back talking trash about Hef. Any idiot with one brain cell knows sex with Hef ain't about much - but she's the one who comes out looking like a fool with that statement. You hook up with a man that much your senior, who's rich, you go with the flow. You give him what little he needs to keep a smile on his face, relish in the fact that it'll only take a few minutes, and go about spending his dollars. You want marathon sex, you need to grab them much younger - albeit, much broker. What an absolute dummy!!!

Submitted by Hekki on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 6:36am.

One-trick: Ohhhhh.

The thing that made me cackle with delicious schadenfreude is that Dr. Phil mentioned on his show that the son that married the skank proposed to her without talking to his parents first. Not that a man should have to consult with his parents about who he marries, but OBVIOUSLY he knew they weren't going to be on board with it. And he framed it as "We raised our sons to be so independent and solid decision-makers" etc.

I almost feel sorry for them, but... if both of your sons are chasing prostitution whores (and one has the poor judgment to MARRY one)... you don't get to brag about what a great parent you are.

Submitted by anonymouscrazyc... on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 6:36am.

MK! your beautiful words of golddigging loving brought tears to my eyes. I haven't laughed that hard in ages!

Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.
-Ash

Submitted by ditquoi on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 6:22am.

Submitted by Hekki on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 7:41am.
Sorry, I have to say something else about this.

Apparently this golddigger is seeing Dr. Phil's son. But is it possible that she is really after Dr. Phil himself?

please...Robin would bite that bitch's head off with her double-reinforced megatron veneers of destruction. seriously, those teeth look like they could bite through steel.

Submitted by angry_secretary on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 6:16am.

i think that tide turned during the Paris Hilton era.

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*inspects that tide, sees a hella lot of crabs*

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AHAHAHAHA

- - - - - - - -

"Wrist full of colorful rubberbands!" - album reviewer extraordinaire Khia

quite fittingly...

http://j.mp/f89sny

Submitted by One-trick Pony on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 6:13am.

Hekki, the McGraw son dating this one is a "musician," but the other son - the one with the books and producer credits - already has married a Playboy model, and they have two kids. WTF is with the skanks? Poor Robin.

Submitted by Hekki on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 6:11am.

Sorry, I have to say something else about this.

Apparently this golddigger is seeing Dr. Phil's son. But is it possible that she is really after Dr. Phil himself? HE is the one with all the $$. How much can that retarded son of his make with his vanity press books? Or his nepotistic job working for his daddy? She doesn't want to wait until Phil kicks the bucket to get all that money. She's already demonstrated that she will fuck an old man for money. And Dr. Phil has A LOT.

Although I can't see Robin letting go without a HUGE fight. And Phil is too in love with his image. Maybe I have this all wrong. *rethinks theory*

Submitted by karen on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 6:10am.

" Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer"..William S. Burroughs

EXCELLENT POST AND COMMENT....

Straight, gay or bi, Hef seems to like the attention. The girls and he are playing the same game, them for money, him for kicks. It's sad if he hasn't found a real connection in all of these years. Even the most hardened whores I've known realize at a point that nothing compares to the real thing, someone who understands them and loves them for who they are. Which he may have long given up on. I will laugh, however, if his longtime companion, male or female, pops up after his death and reveals Hef as the P.T. Barnum of porn, all show for money and notoriety, a big con as we realize he

Submitted by ditquoi on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 6:04am.

"[It lasted] like, two seconds. Then I was just over it. I was like, 'Ahh.' I was over it. I just, like, walked away. I'm not turned on by Hef. Sorry. He doesn't really take off his clothes. I've never seen Hef naked."

1. Fucking gross
2. 2 pump pepaw? LOL
3. Most people with estrogen are not turned on by Hef.
4. He lasted 2 seconds and didn't take off his clothes. LMAO. Gramps has had too much sex in his life...he doesn't even give a shit anymore.
5. Fucking gross
6. 2 seconds of sex with Hef is 3 seconds too many.

Submitted by letinstar on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 4:56am.

this crystal bitch's face is hard to look at full on...she and and leann rimes could be sisters...
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Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent...

Submitted by Hekki on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 6:07am.

Submitted by nocgirl: "...Dr. Phil has got to be rolling his eyes since Jordan McGraw is her new piece and they have been spotted together the past week."

OOOOHH! I FORGOT about that! *rubs hands together with malicious glee*
Maybe the Baby Jesus will grant my Christmas wish and that derp will marry her. That would be deLISH!

(As a parent, I almost feel badly for Dr. Phil and Robin. Almost.)

Submitted by WWJDFAKB on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 4:06am.

She should be happy that it didn't last longer than two seconds. This definitely is karma on Hef's part, he obviously tried to marry the wrong bitch. Somewhere Holly is laughing her ass off.

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What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?

Submitted by babyhates on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 3:57am.

I bet Holly is laughing her ass off !!!!!!!

Submitted by Vermithrax on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 3:43am.

"...humped the bone dust out of Hugh Hefner's grave worm dick."

Gold.

Submitted by jerseygirl17 on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 3:30am.

These Hef hos just keep getting dumber and dumber. The man has both feet, one arm and his dick in the grave. Not like she was looking for moonlit walks and wild 10-hour sex sessions. She was looking for $ and attention.
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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate

Submitted by Get Serious on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 3:16am.

So, she admits she's a disgusting gold digging whore by fucking a way old dude for the notoriety/publicity. Her parents must be so proud...

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"There's not enough liquor or therapy in the world to help me forget that..." - Archer

Submitted by MyTwoCents on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 3:13am.

Submitted by EveryStrangersEyes on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 4:35am.

Hey, ESE darlin! What can I say, the trenches are more hospitable than living in me head lately. A bitch needs an outlet!

*sips* ok, two outlets. Always good to see you!

OT: Crystal Harris is an angel. AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm resorting to making myself crack up.

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Submitted by EveryStrangersEyes on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 3:05am.

Submitted by MyTwoCents on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 4:29am.

heeheehee!

hey, pooper!!

good to see ya in the trenches again!

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"I could listen to a babbling brook,
and hear a song that I could understand.
I keep wishing it could be that way.
Because my world would be a Wonderland."

Submitted by MyTwoCents on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 2:59am.

Submitted by EveryStrangersEyes on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 4:03am.

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 3:55am.

Whatever happened to hiding the fact that you're a prostitution whore?
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i think that tide turned during the Paris Hilton era.

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*inspects that tide, sees a hella lot of crabs*

By George, I believe he's got it!

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Submitted by EveryStrangersEyes on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 2:33am.

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 3:55am.

Whatever happened to hiding the fact that you're a prostitution whore?
------------------------

i think that tide turned during the Paris Hilton era.

-----------------------------
"I could listen to a babbling brook,
and hear a song that I could understand.
I keep wishing it could be that way.
Because my world would be a Wonderland."

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 2:25am.

Whatever happened to hiding the fact that you're a prostitution whore?

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Who are you calling silly cow?

Submitted by clairey claire on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 1:03am.

Submitted by azgirl on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 11:20pm.
Well dumbass, what did you expect sex with an 80 year old to be? I would love to see Hef marry some old grandma his own age and have someone really love him. Then leave all his money to her just to piss all those 20 year whores off.
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That would be fucking beautiful. Shame he's too shallow and vain to do any such thing.
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"It's always funny until somebody gets hurt-then it's fucking hilarious": The late great Bill Hicks

Submitted by Crystal Lynn on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 12:01am.

This bitch is as tacky as it gets. Can't believe she'd mention their sex life at all after all the $$$ he's thrown her way. What a dumb bitch. FAIL.

Submitted by FilthyBitch on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 10:56pm.

Hugh Hefner is striking back at ex-fiance Crystal Harris after she said she was grossed out by their sex life on “The Howard Stern Show” today.

The Playboy mogul tweeted, “Crystal did a crazy interview with Howard Stern today that didn’t have much to do with reality. Is she trying to impress a new boyfriend?”

In the segment, Harris told Stern that she never saw Hefner naked and was disgusted by their sex life, saying, “[It lasted] like, two seconds… I’m not turned on by Hef. Sorry.”

But Hefner says it’s all lies.

He tweeted, “The sex with Crystal the first night was good enough so that I kept her over two more nights.”

“Crystal lied about our relationship on Howard Stern but I don’t know why,” he added.

Harris partied with Heidi Montag on her would-be wedding day, and later tried to hawk her engagement ring.

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I have to say I saw him tweet the above, he has since deleted it though - but it was there!

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"I've got a strong stomach and no standards to speak of" - MK 2/5/11

Submitted by teig24 on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 10:30pm.

LMAO at Heff for thinking he could still bang women like a horse at that age.

***
NSFW Amber Rose Fucking Herself
http://grungenow.com/?p=1049

Submitted by Forever21 on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 10:41pm.

Bwahaha Hefner lives off the attention of other guys envying him bse they think he is on viagra humping these girls nonstop. There goes his street cred! Denial coming to you in 4,3,2,1.....

MK you are so right this girl and the Monaco crybaby need to signup for classes at the Wendi Deng Institute of golddigging

Submitted by Hoof Arted on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 10:01pm.

I can't wait until this scumbag dies so I can tap-dance on his grave and piss on his tombstone.

Too soon?

Submitted by azgirl on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 9:50pm.

Well dumbass, what did you expect sex with an 80 year old to be? I would love to see Hef marry some old grandma his own age and have someone really love him. Then leave all his money to her just to piss all those 20 year whores off.

Submitted by harveyprice on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 9:48pm.

He seems to have a thing for white trash chicks....you know the type...the one's that drunkenly stumble out to their '97 two door Chevy Blazer after getting wasted at the local TGI Fridays with their coworkers while trying to get the married 50 y/o guy they picked up at the bar to go home with them. It would probably be way too challenging to date anyone with intelligence or anywhere near his age with their own job/shit going on. I understand, go easy when you're old.

Submitted by JessicaGiovanna on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 9:46pm.

~I can't stand her.. she looks like meredith baxter birney.. she so vanilla and boring.. ugh, hef's wrinkly ass is more exotic than her plain jane ugly face.. Ms. 6 o'clock w/ no curves, straight up straight down.. yawn

Submitted by kittymuffin on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 9:21pm.

They look like circus freaks

Submitted by babybunny on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 9:15pm.

trust I need to be that Crystal bitch or at least be her vag...cause all I can picture is the transfer button thanks for the visual MK!! bUT trust I have thrust fuglier losers than Hef...she is in the words of Antoine Dodson eally, really dumb!!!

Submitted by angel_i on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 9:02pm.

Submitted by urmomma on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 8:45pm.

Submitted by islandgirl on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 8:35pm.
Submitted by urmomma on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 8:30pm.

Now, I do not condone humping the elderly
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Hahaha--- geriatrics need the lovin' too, you know. :)

*slathers self in BenGay and puts teeth in jam jar*
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Of course you are correct.
*prances around in adult diapers and mismatched tube socks*
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Well it can't be my signature cuz I think you guys are fucking sexxxay!

♥ Threadkilla!
RIP, Amy: Sep14,1983 to Jul23,2011
http://youtu.be/Con6WaimJ6c

Submitted by nocgirl on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 8:56pm.

As much as I want to tell Hef "Ha I told you so" what she is doing is extremely immature and tacky. She dumps him right before the wedding then takes more cheap shots at him. Dr. Phil has got to be rolling his eyes since Jordan McGraw is her new piece and they have been spotted together the past week. As far as Crystal, money buys lots of things but it doesn't buy class.

Submitted by TropicalTangerine on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 8:41pm.

GOD, Michael K is on a roll today!!

I almost choked on dinner reading that &

Tami stop in the name of love-d that bitch! (from Basketball Wives post)

Keep up the good work MK!!

Submitted by beakers bitch on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 8:29pm.

Wait, was she COMPLAINING that she never saw him naked? I agree with some of the other hos here who say he has to stop getting with the 20 year olds. He uses them for arm candy, but nobody buys it's true lurve and they use him for fame, but that only lasts for ten minutes before they go on to their careers as stars of such forgettable films as Bikini Library 8 or whatever.

Submitted by Fucking_Classy on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 8:25pm.

God, Hefner is so fucking disgusting. Bitch should've thanked the gods the old fart kept his clothes on. It will probably save her a couple years of therapy.

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"Most people are average, neither black nor white. They're gray. A dirty shade of gray." - Dmitri Shostakovich

Submitted by ♀ on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 8:17pm.

Even that 'once' virginal teen Christian Goddess known as Courtney Stodden mockingly rotated her eyes so far back in her delusional skull that they popped out the back of her empty head, rolled themselves all the way to the Playboy Mansion and begged Hef with a bat-shit blinky gaze to be on the next cover of Playboy.

Doug Hutchison, I sense you will be encountering the lingering scent of gold-digger x 10, cherry-scented anal lube, full adult diapers and BENGAY® in your near future . . .

Oh wait. The future is now.

Submitted by howdareyou on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 8:14pm.

Soft-serve dick, soft-serve brain. I don't understand why this didn't work out.

Submitted by Whatever on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 8:12pm.

A 24 year old and an old coot. What the heck did she think sex would be like? Hopefully she will crawl back into the toilet she used to live in. Hef needs to stick to gals his own age.

Submitted by ortiz on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 8:09pm.

Let this be a lesson to super old geezers still trying to get with 20-somethings

Submitted by RustyHooligan on Tue, 07/26/2011 - 8:07pm.

No way! He dint pound you for hours on end, till the sun rose languidly in the east and you had to beg him to ease up? "Save a leetle for after lunch, babykins. Grrrrrr."