Guess What Lindsay Lohan Did Saturday Night?

After hearing that Amy Winehouse died on Saturday, Lindsay Lohan cut the pipe that runs from the Smirnoff factory directly to her faucets, deleted the Find-A-Dealer app from her iPhone, strapped herself to the back of the wagon and vowed to only drink distilled water from now on. No. Bitch must’ve slept through that wake up call, because Radar says she got sneaky drunk instead.

A source tells Radar that LiLo started her night at Chateau Marmont, where she kept her tongue off of the booze. When the party moved to the Pailhouse Hotel, LiLo showed up sober and only ordered cranberry juices from the waitress. But like most hos surrounded by drunks getting drunker, LiLo started to get thirsty for the nectar of the gods and snuck a few lemon drop shots down her froat. LiLo ordered a couple of martinis but tried to say they were for her friends. When the martinis showed up, one of LiLo’s friends shot the waitress a look that said, “Don’t give those to her.” A few vodka shots and one martini later, LiLo was officially a sloppy mess of a drunk and got bitchy with her date, Ozzy from Survivor (random shit alert), because she thought he was trying to get down he chonies of another ho.

You didn’t think that it could get any sadder than fighting for Ozzy from fucking Survivor, but it did. LiLo set a new world record when she stumbled downhill like there was an 8-ball at the bottom.

“She yelled at him to ‘Stop flirting with everyone’! A guy sitting on the other side of her poured himself a vodka on the rocks and I saw her take two sips out of it. But she was really careful to only order juice from the staff. By 2 am, she could barely stand. She was trying to stabilize herself on the chairs. Then she made it over to the curtains and hung on them. The manager saw this and went over and helped her stand up.

She was really nice to the manager. She kept saying, ‘Thank you. All my friend left me.’ Then she picked up her phone and started screaming ‘Every body left me! Why did everyone leave me? Where are you? The manager went back over to her and told her not to worry. ‘I’ll help you. Don’t worry’,” I heard the manager say. She eventually got outside, and when she got to her Escalade she just collapsed into it.”

LiLo’s drunk ass hanging onto a curtain like it’s her only friend and wailing out how she’s alone in the world is the epitome of “BITCH YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS.” The real definition of a friend is a bitch who will hold your hair while you barf into the sink of a club bathroom, will make sure your pussy isn’t giving a free show when they throw you into the back of a cab, will tuck you into bed and will slap you in the face with a cold wet rag in the morning for completely ruining their night. Bitch doesn’t even have that.

So since Amy Winehouse is winking at her from the afterworld, she has no real friends and Tara Reid is about to file a copyright infringement lawsuit against her for trying to steal her life, maybe it’s about time LiLo really started re-evaluating her life choices. Or you know, just ignore everything and go St. Tropez instead! That’ll fix everything too.