Blaaaaaaaaaaaake’s Tears Will Never Dry

Amy Winehouse’s ex-husband Blaaaaaake Fielder-Civil is serving a 32 month prison sentence for burglary shit and guards put him on unofficial suicide watch after he nearly melted into a puddle of gingivitis, wet cigarettes and grease when he was told that the love of his life died on Saturday afternoon. Blaaaake, who some say is the one who first set Amy up on a blind date with crack, peeled himself off of his cell floor and cried out his sadness to The Sun. Blaaaaake has a new girlfriend and child (named Chop and Liver), but he says that he’ll never feel the kind of love he felt when he was with Amy. The British Clarence Worley said this:

“I will never ever again feel the love I felt for her. Everybody who knew me and knew Amy knew the depth of our love. I can’t believe she’s dead. I’m beyond inconsolable … my tears won’t dry.”

I’m sure Blaaaaake will find a way to plug his tear ducts since he’s going need to his eyes to write that tell-all on a yellow pad and to count the mountains of pounds he’ll get from selling a trunk full of unreleased demos. Moving on….

The Sun also says that Amy’s record label sent a doctor to her house every week, because they were worried about her health and wanted to make sure she didn’t completely slip back into the crack pipe. The doctor saw Amy on Friday night and didn’t see any red flags. Amy’s family said that the rumors that she bought a bad shit buffet of Special K, Ecstasy and coke the night before her death is a lie. They say that there were no signs of drugs in the house at the time of her death. Amy’s rep says that she told her security guard that she was taking a nap at around 10am on Saturday. The security guard checked on her 6 hours later and found her not breathing.

So basically, Amy died alone and in bed, which is pretty much the way to go. Everyone says they want to go with their loved ones around them, but I don’t want that shit. Just imagine staring at your grandchildren with sad snots trickling out of their noses. I don’t want to use my last breath to tell them, “You sure look ugly when you cry.”

And it looks like we’ve found a new Detective La Toya Jackson! Amy’s father Mitch Winehouse says that he’s going to get to THE BOTTOM OF EVERYTHING. Everything being his daughter’s death. Pass the monocle, La Toya.

Here’s Amy’s father, mother and ex-boyfriend Reg visiting the shrine to her outside of her house.