Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 23, 2011 / Posted by:

Patches, a 17-year-old pooch from Australia who would’ve been sniffing the ass of the dog angels in haven’t if it wasn’t for his stirring rendition of Happy Birthday!

I really can’t with this story… But obviously, I can, because I’m writing about it and naming Patches Hot Slut, which he is. So the day Patches elderly owner died was a chaotic one. I guess paramedics were going in and out of the house, and he somehow ended up getting shuffled off to the pound. When Patches’ family realized his hairy ass was nowhere to be seen, it was too late. Patches was sitting in jail and it was only a matter of time before he got a lethal kiss to the veins. Patches’ family searched everywhere for him and called every pound, but the time on his life cock was quickly running out.

One of Patches’ relatives then got the idea to ask shelter workers to sing Happy Birfday to dogs matching Patches’ description. Before Patches owner died, they used to sing that song together and it was the dog’s favorite. (You know, because dogs have favorite songs. My dog’s favorite song is that Enya “Sail Away” song.) One dog rescue worker came across a fur baby at the Mildura Pound who matched Patches description and she started to sing to him. Patches’ ears twitched, the look of impending death washed away from his face and he started to howl. Bitch thought his next song would be sung to the Grim Ass Reaper. Patches’ version of Happy Birthday (The I Ain’t Gonna Be Killed Remix) sounded something like this:

Yeah, it’s a totally shitty, off-key and lazy version of Happy Birthday, but when you sing that song does a doggy cheat death? I thought so. And maybe I’ve been watching way too many scenes from Sommersby on basic cable before bedtime, but are we sure that’s the REAL Patches? Are we sure that this just isn’t some dog who looks like Patches and learned the song so he could assume his identity? I have a feeling a “YOU ARE NOT MY PATCHES!!!!” kitchen scene is coming on.

via The Herald Sun

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