Lake Michigan Will Declare A “No Bikinis Allowed” Rule In 3..2..

The one time I visited Chicago was in the ice cold dead of winter and this was long before I moved to New York, so I really didn’t know what it felt like to get hypothermia up in my anus. My saliva froze to my teef, my genitals crawled up into my body for hibernation (come to think of it, they’ve never come back) and I had to learn how to breathe through my ears since white snow cubes blocked my nostrils and I looked like I had just nose fucked a snowman’s asshole. During my two week visit, there was one day where the temperature reached above -10 and hos stripped off their North Face down comforter body cocoons like they were at Hedonism in Jamaica. Nobody makes a fur coat over a bikini top look especially exquisite like a Chicago native.

Well, Chicagoans might not get excited for a little heat now that YOU KNOW WHO is moving there part-time while her bought-and-paid for husband shoots The Playboy Club. When LeAnn Rimes isn’t throwing a side-squint at any trick slut who gets close to her bitch, she’s going to be flaunting her gross bikini no-body all over the place. LeAnn Tweeted this (via UsWeekly):

Boxes are a go for Chicago! Very excited for our new adventure! Lots of flying back & forth, but well worth it! Beyond proud of my husband.

Three sets of toiletries, three sets of clothes. Starting Thursday, our time is split between L.A., Chicago and the world! I’m ready! All great things!

Truth is, the people of Chicago shouldn’t only be worried during warm days. They should always be worried. The weather will not stop LeAnn from showing off her emaciated silicone lizard body. Bitch is famewhore-blooded and has a suitcase full of battery-powered heating pad bikinis. You’ve been warned.