Mama DiCaprio Has Spoken

Leonardo DiCaprio’s mother Irmelin knows that her son can’t ever settle down with a mumble-mouthed non-swimsuit model with the face of a confused Persian kitten who just frew up for the first time and is trying to figure out how it’s possible for her to opposite swallow like that. Mama DiCaprio apparently tried to give Blake Lively a chance when she first met her, but was left unimpressed after that boring beige ho kept talking about modeling for Chanel. Leo not only played a mama’s boy in the best movie ever What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?, but he’s also one in real life so he quickly dropped Blake’s ass. A source tells Now! Magazine says that Leo went to Italy to be alone and Blake is all sad and shit.

“Blake’s a total mess. She tried hard to impress Leo’s mum when they met but Irmelin couldn’t stand her. She told Leo that Blake was far too up herself for him. Blake was nervous so she did talk a lot. But his mum says all she did was talk about Gossip Girl and how she’s a Chanel model. Leo listens to his mum and the fact that she didn’t like her has put him off.”

I’m probably by myself in thinking this, but I just can’t take Blake and Leo seriously as a couple. Shit is a set up. Blake’s publicist disguised themselves as some Make-A-Wish ho and tricked Leo into believing that Blake is a deformed-faced giant toddler whose dream has always been to follow around Jack from Titanic. It’s the only explanation for this. But if they are/were a real couple, I doubt Mama DiCaprio would even bother throwing shade at Blake since she knows her son will dump that trick once his Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition (with attached order form) comes in the mail. Or until Blake reaches Leo’s idea of middle-age when she turns 24 next month. Whichever comes first.