Just Call Her Fartney Spears

July 20, 2011 / Posted by:

Finally, a story that has two of my favorite things: farts & Cheetos!

Fernando Flores is that former bodyguard of Brit Brit Spears who claimed last year that she belt beat her Cheetolings and constantly tried to get him to turn her down low pastry puff into a pig in a blanket. Every now and again, Fernando crawls out from under his roach cave to make what he thinks are scandalous claims hoping that it will help his $10 million sexual harassment case against Our Lady of Cheetos.

Fernando is back and this time he’s saying Brit Brit did meth, farted all the time, picked boogers without apologizing, stayed away from shower nozzles and had the hygiene of a sewer possum’s ass. Yes, Fernando must be new here, because that information wouldn’t make us push out a shockface in 2008, so it sure as hell isn’t going to have that effect now. But let’s humor Fernando since he’s talking about farts!

Radar got a hold of the documents that Fernando filed in court recently and this is what he has to say about how Brit picked out nose nuggets her weave would run from and how her butt would constantly burp out un-auto tuned farts.

He claims, “Defendant Spears was mentally unstable, and personally obnoxious and demanding, requiring her staff on various occasions and for no rationally discernible reasons to address her as “Jennifer” or “Queen Bee,” on other occasions, Defendant Spears would cut her hair in an erratic fashion, leaving uneven and bald spots on her head.”

Spears had obnoxious personal habits, such as chain smoking cigarettes, which made her smell continually of stale tobacco,” he wrote in his court document.

“She broke wind or picked her nose unselfconsciously and unapologetically before Plaintiff (Flores) and others and she was constantly and gratuitously loud and profane in her speech.

She did not bathe for days on end, did not use deodorant, did not brush her teeth, did not fix her hair, did not wear shoes or socks.”

If there were zero “nots” in that statement then it would be something straight out of The Department of New Information!!!!, but that is not the case. But Fernando did get one thing wrong. Brit Brit only pushed her ass out to pre-recorded farts. Fart-synching, thankyouverymuch. Fernando better correct that, because Brit Brit has a reputation to uphold.

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