People Magazine’s cover story this week is all about how close friends of JLo and Skeletor didn’t even bother making this face when they announced that their marriage has drowned in the moat around Castle Grayskull. Their friends (aka the interns at JLo’s publicists’ office) say that JLo and Skeletor have been verbally scrappin’ for months over everything from how he didn’t like the ho shit ensembles she’d wear on stage to his jealousy over her American Idol job. One of their friends also said that JLo started to believe that something in the zombie dick wasn’t clean and was afraid that Skeletor was humping on the legs of other hos.
And UsWeekly says that shit got so real that JLo’s mother Guadalupe brought back an ex from the past. A source says that Guadalupe resuscitated Bennifer 1.0 from the dead by e-mailing Ben Affleck to ask him for marriage advice. The source explained this mess like this, “Guadalupe reached out to Ben over email. She wanted advice for Jennifer. She always liked and trusted him. [Ben] replied back on email, wished her well and offered what he could.”
What in the hell kind of GD Latin mother is Guadalupe? Latin mothers don’t bring outside bitches into it. Especially Ben Affleck of all people. I’d nod my head and say “You’ve got a good point there” to advice spewing from Dr. Phil’s bald b-hole before I’d take any relationship advice coming out of Ben Affleck’s mouth. A Latin mother would ignore the pain away, never speak of this again and solve all her daughter’s problems by putting a bowl of menudo in front of her before cleaning every surface in the house with Windex. (Windex and abuelitas are LIKETHIS. I think my abuelita bathed in it.)
I’m sure Ben shat out some canned response to Lupe as fast as he could so that he could get up from the pokah table, go on some gambling site and bet everything on JLo’s marriage dying in exactly 3 days. Insider trading alert!