File this under: It’s way too early for this NSFWish shit. And cross file it under: Dlisted’s new anthem!
If Ke$ha fell out of an Italian uterus instead of an American one, this is definitely what she would sing during her middle school talent show. Meet Italy’s very own Gionny Scandal, Pedobear’s very Italian pop star and a singing prostitot who definitely gets all her lyrics translations from Google. And I’m thankful that she did, because if any bitch can butcher an English translation and turn it into poetry salad, it’s Google. The line “Tonight I’m feeling to make you enjoy with a blowjob/I want to feel in my throat” is so damn beautiful that I’m going to use it in the signature for all my Craigslist Casual Encounters ads.
Yes Gionny’s fucked up teefs make her look like she’s only given blow jobs to screwdriver drills set on high. Yes, Gionny’s spoog splash dress reminds you of the time you asked your dry cleaner if they could get out a goat milk stain. Yes, the Jay Baruchel looking rapper in this ILLEGAL mess gave me the tingles for a quick minute until he wasted a whole can of whipped cream. Yes, watching this prequel to Hostel mess is about as uncomfortable as watching a homeless man lick on a Monte Carlo poster in a subway station (true story).
But you have to give Gionny some credit for making Bert’s Muppet nipples hard with the way she pronounces the word “horny.” Ernie’s (and probably yours too) official response is: