Elizabeth Taylor will throw a mean side-eye from heaven that will throw shade over most of L.A. today, because JLo is scooting up to her record by making Skeletor her third ex-husband after 7 years of marriage. Yes, Castle Greyskull will be filled with sacrificial virgins a fucking plenty tonight, because Skeletor is back on the prowl for good. JLo and Skeletor announced to People that they are legally quitting each other and breaking their vows the same way he breaks a brittle hip bone when he tries to thrust too hard during a show.
“We have decided to end our marriage. This was a very difficult decision. We have come to an amicable conclusion on all matters.
It is a painful time for all involved and we appreciate the respect of our privacy at this time.”
Skeletor has a face like a zombie’s ass and living with JLo is probably as pleasant as getting a rim job from a shark, but I thought these two would love forever or until Jason Stackhouse shoots Skeletor in front of Tara. They were acting all happy like with The Dragon Tales Twins just a month or two ago. Some ESCANDALOSO shit must’ve been the stake in the heart of their marriage. Now I’m not saying that the blind item about a singer allegedly Ike Turner-ing and cheating on his singer/actress wife is true, but I’m still going to light a Santa Guadalupe candle and pray one of his side whores doesn’t sell a picture of his dick bone to The National Enquirer.
And, well, at least JLo can go back to her first love. No, not attention. I’m talking about Diddy! Ugh. My fingers barfed from typing that out.