Courtney Stodden Must Be On Some Real Shit

Remember the story from last month that made your skin crawl into your happy place? Well, it’s back! 51-year-old Doug Hutchinson, the actor who is most famous for playing a 1930s prison guard, and his 16-year-old child wife Courtney Stodden, whose face looks like it’s been marinating in a prison cell since the 1960s, sat down with Good Morning America’s Lara Spencer to tell their side of the story that made Woody Allen bust out a thumbs up. Let me lay down the facts according to Creep Face and Ole’ Whore Face before I get into Courtney’s bizarre orgasm eyes during the entire interview.

– Courtney met the creeper who looks like he nom nom noms on the crotch part of dirty panties when she signed up for one of his acting classes online. Doug says he didn’t know Courtney was born in 1995 at the time. Courtney says she made the first move, because she thought he was so “handsome.” They kept their relationship strictly an online thing for months.

– Doug says he never broke any laws and Chris Hansen never poured him a glass of iced tea, because he never did cyber sex shit with Courtney. Even after they met, they kept their clothes on. Courtney says she’s a strict Christian girl and was saving herself for marriage. Courtney’s pimp of a mom who puts White Oprah’s child selling game to shame approved of her daughter’s relationship with Doug from the very beginning. Apparently, Krista Stodden is the one who told them they should get married with her consent. Krista says she could feel their love in heart from the beginning. Somewhere Roman Polanski is on his knees, praying that Krista will give birth to another daughter that he can marry in 15 years.

– Good Morning America was given a copy of Courtney’s birth certificate and verified that she’s 16. Courtney denies having plastic surgery and Doug says her rode hard, put away wet face was made from the hands of God. Courtney had to drop out of school, because she was constantly bullied by jealous girls. Courtney now takes courses at some online Christian school.

– Courtney says she’s not a gold digger and is not using Doug to further whatever career she thinks she has. If marrying Doug makes her star, then that’s just another gift. But if it doesn’t, Courtney will be with him forever. Of course, they’re currently trying to get a reality show deal.

Yes, their story is like a performance art piece built around the word “disturbing,” but what was even more fucked up is Courtney practically licking Doug’s nasty face with her eyes during the entire interview. Push me through a Silkwood car wash, because this interview was the epitome of gross. This is what a porn version of Mannequin called Blow-up Doll would look like. Because Courtney acted the way a dude would want his blow-up doll to act if it came alive. It’s hilarious in a tragic way watching an alleged 16-year-old giggle and try to make hardcore sex faces. Courtney makes a dying trout gasping for air look sexy.

Or maybe Courtney is drugged as all hell, because she does make me want to hold my 8-ball closer. It’s as if Casey Anthony handed her a sneeze cloth just minutes before this interview.

And yes, I’ve already added their future reality show to my Tivo Wish List.

via Washington Post (Thanks Lisa)