The Jheri curl beard on the face of San Francisco Giants’ Brian Wilson is usually the main attraction of his overall look, but at last night’s ESPYs in L.A. all eyeballs suctioned themselves to his Spandex tuxedo and matching pencil dick cane.
Brian’s Spandex tuxedo makes me wish it was possible for Richard Simmons‘ nipple leche to successfully fertilize a lesbian penguin’s ovary. It’s what it would look like if Fidel Castro hugged Klaus Nomi from the back.
Brian explained his mess of an ensemble to the Washington Post like this:
“It’s a onesie, so it has built-in gloves that are a little dirty because I’ve been getting a little awkward here on the carpet. And I’ve got my cougar cane — my ‘plus one’ tonight.
And the socks came in the fan mail from a San Francisco Giants fan. You know who you are, thank you. It said: ‘Enjoy.’ That was the letter. And I’m currently enjoying them. Ninja socks.”
My only problem with this is that when a dude wraps the Spandex around him, I expect to get the gift of a basket of bulge and Brian didn’t bring it. You’d think that his matching Jheri curl ball bush would make his crotch zone look like 4 hairy hamsters having an orgy under a Spandex blanket. Maybe he slicked that shit back for this formal occasion, But besides that, Brian’s Spandex tuxedo worked for all my senses right (except my sense of smell, because you know his taint reeked of rotten cheese curds marinating in a puddle of hobo sweat).