Stop Me If You've Heard... (I'm Stopping)

The reporters at UsWeekly gathered around the Four Loko cooler on Friday afternoon and brain farted about whether or not this week's cover should be dedicated to Pippa Middleton's ass throughout the months, or to a classic: the Brangelina wedding! Since it's been way too long since a Brangeloonie slipped a tabloid cover into the Brangelina wedding book they hug and lick whenever the stresses of life turn their crazy up (aka when a Horrible Bosses commercial come on TV), UsWeekly decided to throw them a boner! A truthful boner, of course.

Who cares if Brad Pitt swore he'd never EVER marry St. Angie until he can legally marry her in every state after she gets a sex change (I might be paraphrasing). Who do you believe? Brad Pitt or USWeekly? Put on your Jennifer Aniston ears and then you'll get your answer. Exactly. The quality that is "honesty" is stored in our brain's sensitivity chip and we all know Brad doesn't have any of those! From UsWeekly:

The "I do's" could take place at their newly renovated Chateau Miraval in Correns, France (conveniently featuring a 16th-century chapel) -- but don't expect a lavish bash in the manner of Pitt's $1 million nuptials in 2000 to Jennifer Aniston.

This super-couple's wedding "would be intimate and informal," one insider says of the pair.

But for real, though. I won't believe it until I see Maddox wrestling with Jennifer Aniston outside of the chateau's front gates after she finds out that he stole her favorite Holly Hobbie doll and was planning to pull out its yarn hair while sashaying down the aisle as Brangelina's flower boy.

Posted by: Michael K

•

Brangelina • Why Are You Doing This To Us?

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Submitted by dubious1 on Sun, 07/17/2011 - 12:33am.

Speaking from experience, this will be the end of them within 18 to 30 months.....

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Submitted by MadgesVadge on Sat, 07/16/2011 - 7:41am.

I hope these two DO get married. So they can split up and we can finally stop hearing about them.

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"I have a very poor way of concealing my dislike of people and/or things." -- Evil_Cupcake's Mom

Submitted by Fakery and Lies Inc. on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 9:56pm.

How pathetic. US mag had to reach back to 2007 to find a pic from before these 2 had totally sucked the life juices out of each other:
http://www.imdb.com/list/xnUiN0UJKiw/#9.

Wish the mag had posted a current pic on the cover of these dried out old azz skanks. At least it would've been good for a couple of laughs...this lying pic of the 2 fake liars just gives me the yawns.

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The folks who know the truth aren't talking…. The ones who don't have a clue, you can't shut them up! --Tom Waits

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. --Thoreau

Submitted by Manimal5 on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 7:12pm.

I would much rather see Pippas ass.

Submitted by kiv on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 5:50pm.

I had to do a double take... actually a triple take with the above headline Bachelor Brad wants Emily back right above a huge picture of Brad and Angie... I actually tried to process how Brad could be a bachelor pining for an Emily I never heard of one minute, while planning to get married to Angie the next.

It took me almost a whole minute to figure out that the two headlines weren't talking about the same Brad. It would be nice if the tabloids could help me out by not putting a headline for another Brad above a huge blowout picture with Brad Pitt. Sure the Bachelor part should've tipped me off, but I forgot that show still exists today.

Submitted by Callie on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 4:56pm.

Jennifer is in a hit movie and has a boyfriend who might actually like her, it must be eating Maddox ALIVE!

Submitted by chica robotica on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 4:54pm.

Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 11:59am.

"Who cares if Brad Pitt swore he'd never EVER marry St. Angie until he can legally marry her in every state after she gets a sex change"

I think she had that sex change.

I can just see this wedding, The ring girl will be her 85lb, balding, scabby heroin dealer. Instead of a ring Brad will give her a little black rubber hose. She'll be walked down the aisle by Billy Bob Thornton who she just fucked in the limo. She'll be dressed in a tattered black dress taken from the remains of a Salem witch and every picture will be photo bombed by Jen seen just off in the distance with a glint of a tear in each eye.

She'll adopt some "last minute" wedding children that she'll house in the African mud hut she built in the back yard.

The grooms side will be filled and the Brides will have nothing but stuffed scarecrows and mannequins.

All the while Brad will be not showering, smoking a fat bowl getting drunk and fucking all the hired brides maids.
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You know that country song where the songwriter at the end says it's the perfect country song and the singer says no, because it doesn't have anything in it about pick-ups, jail, mama or trains? So the songwriter writes one more verse about driving his pick-up to get his mama at the train station after she got out of jail and she gets run over by a train? Hahaha. Your story is near enough perfect but you forgot to mention lesbians, Jenny Shimizu, brother-kissing and vials of blood.

Submitted by Jwill on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 3:54pm.

Who really cares what these two do? Plastic dolls, both of them.

Submitted by Whatever on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 3:48pm.

becky n sydney's picture
Submitted by becky n sydney on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 5:05pm.

Without competition from News of the World, US Weekly aren't even trying. Or maybe they're just depressed at the death of a tabloid family member.
And who's Emily?

Emily was Bachelor Brad's pick. She dumped him or something.

Submitted by Whatever on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 3:47pm.

Maniston is going to break out the ice cream and cry to her teddy bears.

Submitted by becky n sydney on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 3:35pm.

Without competition from News of the World, US Weekly aren't even trying. Or maybe they're just depressed at the death of a tabloid family member.
And who's Emily?

Submitted by pixxxie on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 1:26pm.

150% agreed!

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Submitted by liverwurst on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 1:03pm.

Now? That must be because the royal wedding has past which was their only real competition aside from Jennifer having a baby. It's a well known fact that Angie cannot stand JA getting equal press as she has of late.Their handlers will do anything to keep these two on the front page.

Submitted by dementa on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 1:25pm.

Submitted by liverwurst on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 1:03pm.

If it keeps me from seeing reality "stars" or Jen's Leno chin, I'm fine with them planting stories.

*********

I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.

Submitted by christine the hoff on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 12:42pm.

who gives a wet fuck, other then Jen and her collection of beanie babies?

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What a friend I have in jesus, I can say that
honestly. He's not like all my other friends who really don't care about me.

Submitted by Stock Broker on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 11:51am.

Spankypants ~ and Tampax or whatever his name is getting his dress fitted.

You never see that kid.

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"His faggy coffee shop poetry reading glasses will go over well in prison. I expect to see them on cumonglasses.com". ~ Dlister Provolone

Submitted by spankypants on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 11:44am.

Shiloh is in Montenegro getting her tux fitted.

Submitted by liverwurst on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 11:33am.

Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 11:09am.

Submitted by snowpiece on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 12:17pm.

Whiskey: the actual article was about how he was worried about going to prison with out leaving a boy to protect them all (like a fucking BABY BODY GUARD IS A GOOD IDEA) and how Joe always wanted a boy (no duh why do you think he keeps trying for one and getting monkey girl after monkey girl)
and that he finds her sexy pregnant.
(Gross)
Teresa needs to try and get on the next season of Mob Wives, it looks like at this point!

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Being from north Jersey, I have to watch this stupid show...I can't help myself. Teresa and Joe are tacky and gross, but the Gorgas actually are worse, imo.

I think I'll pick up this issue next time I go to the grocery store lol

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""There is no chicken or egg. It's molecular." - Lady Gaga

Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 11:01am.

Submitted by Momus the Sarcastic on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 12:01pm.
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lol!

I'm sure he tapes a picture of a naked Jen between Angie's shoulder blades when he's doggin her.

Submitted by snowpiece on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:47am.

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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11

Submitted by PTCruiser on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:44am.

the only thing that would make a Brangelina wedding worthwhile is if they schedule it the same weekend as Kim Kardashian's wedding.

how glorious to behold the stealing of that thunder.

Submitted by boston61 on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:44am.

They are getting married because they are both getting long in the tooth and have a ton of baggage together. Why not?

Submitted by Abby Normal on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:41am.

SugarFreeRedBull on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 11:58am.

Maybe marriage is the key to getting bubbalip skelatress out of toddler-sizes?

LMFAO

Worked for me! (RUBS BELLY AND GLORIOUS TITS... thinks... draws a nipple on belly) HOT!

*wants nipple belly tattoo now*

Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:40am.

Submitted by snowpiece on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 12:06pm.

awww they used a pic from when Brad used to be cute!!
these mags are all rags. the other day I picked one up to read in line that said on the cover that Teresa JOOODICE was finally preggers w/ the son Juicy Delicious always wanted! Of course the actual article said NO SUCH THING!

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oh thank GOD. I was horrified when I saw that cover. How can those two losers even think about spawning again when they're broker than broke and Juicy Delicious is in prison?

really, four lawn gnomes is enough.

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""There is no chicken or egg. It's molecular." - Lady Gaga

Submitted by Chirio on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:36am.

Rename the Chateau to "Chateau Les Misérables"

Coma Caca!
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Submitted by snowpiece on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:36am.

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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11

Submitted by motherslittlehelper on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:34am.

Doing the marriage thing because it's important to the kids, while not finding it necessary for themselves is weird.

And funny.

Submitted by Chirio on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:33am.

whoah I need glasses or something: I read "Inside the Royal shit" ahahahahahahhaha

Coma Caca!
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Submitted by Momus the Sarcastic on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:31am.

Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 11:59am.

All the while Brad will be not showering, smoking a fat bowl getting drunk and fucking all the hired brides maids.

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Whilst whispering "Jen" in their ears.

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“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.” J.R.R. Tolkien.
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Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:29am.

"Who cares if Brad Pitt swore he'd never EVER marry St. Angie until he can legally marry her in every state after she gets a sex change"

I think she had that sex change.

She'll adopt some "last minute" wedding children that she'll house in the African mud hut she built in the back yard.

The grooms side will be filled and the Brides will have nothing but stuffed scarecrows and mannequins.

All the while Brad will be not showering, smoking a fat bowl getting drunk and fucking all the hired brides maids.

Submitted by SugarFreeRedBull on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:28am.

Maybe marriage is the key to getting bubbalip skelatress out of toddler-sizes?

Worked for me! (RUBS BELLY AND GLORIOUS TITS... thinks... draws a nipple on belly) HOT!

Submitted by Momus the Sarcastic on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:23am.

Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 11:44am.
whoa whoa WHOA. Hold the phone. Last I checked, gay marriage is NOT legal in all 50 U.S. States. What happened to practicing what you preach?

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You actually expect two feckless bits of piffle to have scruples and integrity?

Submitted by Abby Normal on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:23am.

Did Maddox write the pre-nup in Crayola? Was Chastity Bono the flower girl? Did Jennifer hide out in the bushes and throw the 'lice' at the bride and gloom? Heh.

Submitted by elanenergy on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:20am.

Now that they have experienced the mind numbing reality that is....each other....and each other's complete and total selves.....they might as well get married. Because the last few years (6) have convinced me that these two are as fake as shake-n-bake in Goop's cupboard, which has has its label removed to read: Light, crusty coating of Chris Martin balls to accompany a glass (box) of bitter red wine. Fake.

My vision of world peace: a chicken in every pot, and pot for all us chickens...and weasels.

Submitted by Slurpee on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:19am.

Sick of these two chippies!

Submitted by snowpiece on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:17am.

LOL Leenie, do you think IIIIIIIMMMMMIIIILLLLLY (and I'ze relationship) will be an even more boring Bachelorette than Ashley?

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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11

Submitted by Meatblocks on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:16am.

oh boy. oh boyohboyohboy. two overindulged overpaid and underwhelming twats are getting married. it's a miracle. it's a blessing. it changes all of our lives forever. i'm exploding rainbows.
(*lifts ass and farts*)
see that? pure joy.

*peddles off in a mint '88 yugo*

Submitted by Rocket on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:16am.

I believe this like I believe Angie saying every year she's going to take some time off from movies.

But, please don't let them get married - it ruins alot of Hollywood relationships and I want them to be together as they don't spoil two households.

Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:14am.

whoa whoa WHOA. Hold the phone. Last I checked, gay marriage is NOT legal in all 50 U.S. States. What happened to practicing what you preach?

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""There is no chicken or egg. It's molecular." - Lady Gaga

Submitted by jazzfish_77 on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:13am.

She's already sucked the life out of him. Is she trying to finish him off?

Submitted by Fucking_Classy on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:09am.

*YAWN*

I thought they were going to wait till the us gays and gayelles could get married as well, or some similar bullshit...
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"What doesn't kill you makes you want to shank a ho!" - Hotmami

Submitted by Jillian_C on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:07am.

Jillian_C

LOL I love this Maddox and Jennifer rivalry. We need to get them in the ring for a celebrity knockout. I love Jen, but my money is on Maddox. He's small and sneaky, and his mom was Lara Croft.

Submitted by Momus the Sarcastic on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:06am.

Submitted by Stock Broker on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 11:31am.
Raul Duke ~ you forgot James Haven's schlong.

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Or the remnants of her lesbian lovers.

Submitted by But.Seriously.Folks on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:05am.

Submitted by ritzyroxie on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 11:30am.

LMFAO! This really is the most boring USweekly cover of all time.
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Didn't any celebs fuck up last week?? Being famous, you're doing it wrong.

And why is the Bachelor still on the air? I can only picture overweight Claymates watching. It's so fraudulent.

Submitted by Raul Duke on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:05am.

Submitted by Stock Broker on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 11:31am.
Raul Duke ~ you forgot James Haven's schlong.

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Yes, incest is best!

Submitted by Meatblocks on Mon, 06/27/2011 - 12:16pm.
suckandfuck and raul are like the goofus and gallant of sick humor.
the best.

┌_П┐(•_•)┌П┐__
I'm not a living legend. I'm just a myth.

Submitted by Stock Broker on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:01am.

Raul Duke ~ you forgot James Haven's schlong.

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"His faggy coffee shop poetry reading glasses will go over well in prison. I expect to see them on cumonglasses.com". ~ Dlister Provolone

Submitted by ritzyroxie on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 10:00am.

Submitted by Eileenie McMeanie on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 11:26am.

IMMMMMMMMILLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

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LMFAO! This really is the most boring USweekly cover of all time.

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If it was me, I'd pat that bitch on her mouth lips and tell her, "What's going on here? I hate you. Seal them together."-MK on Fishtsicks Paltrow

Submitted by Bitingontinfoil on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 9:59am.

I *hate* these sanctimonious blowhards and their "WE won't went until EVERY ONE can wed" schpeil.

Look what happened w/Charlize and Stuart Townsend - as soon as the (albeit temporary) bill was passed that gays could wed they were "we're outta here" and BAM! Broken up. It's pandering and pathetic.

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YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY!!!! MOVE THE FUCK ON!
~But.Seriously.Folks