Stepford Katie Continues To Say Creepy Shit

July 13, 2011 / Posted by:

Who ever is in charge of moving the puppet strings that work Katie Holmes’ mouth should pull back a bit, because lately it seems that secrets we shouldn’t know about are starting to trip off her tongue and it won’t be long before she accidentally tells us that she’s digging an escape tunnel with a fork behind the cum shot dart board of Becks Tommy Girl has down in his dungeon.

For example, Katie tells InStyle (via CM) about how she regularly buys maternity clothes even though she’s not planning to put her uterus under the hologram hand of L. Ron Hubbard during a Scientology conception ceremony anytime soon. Katie is buying knocked up uniforms for her 5-year-old daughter Suri, because she wants her to have a wardrobe of pretty maternity clothes when she gets pregnant.

If a room full of grown up Suri mannequins wearing maternity clothes isn’t enough to make Suri RUUUUUUUN, then I don’t know what is. Katie said:

“I will buy something with her in mind, thinking it’s gonna look so great on her when she’s 25 or whatever.

I have a lot of things that I’ve already set aside, as well as some of my old maternity clothes so that she (can) wear them when she’s having a daughter or son.”

This is totally the part in the movie where we all find out that Suri’s life has been planned out from the beginning and her blueprint is folded into a black book held by Anthony Mackie! Why would I not be surprised if John Slattery walked through one of my living room walls to erase this quote from my brain with an electronic wand? WE KNOW TOO MUCH!

Why is Katie’s dumb robot ass so sure that Suri will bear a barley-addict heir to the Scientology throne? Suri could grow up to do what most children of fucked up parents do: wrap her womb in Ortho Evra patches, make a vow to never have babies and then join the cast of The Bad Girls Club.

Katie also gave an answer to the question that’s been plaguing your mind area. No, not the question, “What the hell do I do with Google+ now?!” I’m talking about the question, “Why does Suri’s arms always think it’s summer?

“Recently, Suri and I were taking a walk and a fight got started because it was cold outside and she didn’t want to wear her coat. My philosophy is, well, fine, because after a block of walking you’re going to ask me for your coat. So the pictures of her [without a coat in cold weather] are sort of embarrassing, but I said, “Suri, I’ll take the hit. Just put it on when you get cold.”

I’m no longer going to give Suri shit for not wearing a coat outside. Obviously, she’s just overheated from practicing for her future by walking around the house with a baby pillow strapped to her body.

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